Parents are annoying.
I’ve been thinking this week. Before I had children, people with children quite bluntly did my head in. You have procreated. Big deal. I vowed when I had children I would never be so boringly annoying. So what happened? I had a child and have become boringly annoying. Since starting blogging this has intensified times 1 million.
So, to my child-free readers. I’m an irritating parent and these are the 10 reasons why:
1) Social media. It’s the classic one. Pictures of my darling’s first steps, first meal, first crap. They are all up there. Statuses discussing the aforementioned mile stones. Detailed descriptions of her puke, her first rude word. Nothing else but my child on my wall. It’s enough to make anyone press the unfollow button.
2) I talk about her too much. Somehow a discussion about a holiday in Thailand with a hilarious language barrier can be turned into a discussion about my child’s mumbo jumbo speech and her pronunciation of the word “banana”.
3) I’m on a night out and it gets to 9.30pm. I’m looking at my watch and twitching. Well it’s almost bed time now and I’m only going to get 7 hours sleep, maybe less. Time to call a taxi. Not a good move on your best mate’s hen do.
4) No-one without children is ever allowed to be tired. Of course not! Pulling an all-nighter at work because of a stressful project can never be as tiring as having a baby. Never. And I will make sure you know it
5) Alcohol? Forget it. I have to get up at 6am to deal with my toddler. And I’ll make sure I repeat this about 10 times throughout the night as I sip my Diet Coke. Then there will be a smug Facebook status update tomorrow (at 6am) bragging about how clear my head is.
6) That’s if I can ever get out! Getting a babysitter if the Grandparents are not around is a nightmare. Then there is the possibility of the little darling being snotty/coughing or vomiting just as I am about to leave and the cancellation text you will receive, just as you arrive at the restaurant.
7) Making a massive deal about the smallest things. I had a meal at Nandos. I painted my toenails. I had a wee alone. Well, these are about as likely occurrence as my hubby hanging up his clothes since I had a child, so the world NEEDS to know about it.
8) Getting into the things ours little ones are into. Peppa flaming Pig and my true favourite, Frozen. In reality this is because we won’t be going to the cinema for the next 10 years to see an adult film and what the heck is wrong with my Olaf jumper and my “Let it Go” renditions on my Facebook wall?
9) We have our own special car parking spaces really nice and close to the shop. Sorry. Can see this one is annoying but wouldn’t you prefer this to my daughter slamming the door of my mummy wagon Nissan Qashqai into your lovely BMW?
10) My inability to have a normal conversation with you when my darling is around. At best you will have 50% of my attention. On a bad day it’s 25%. I’m really interested in what your boss said to you in that meeting, I promise but I just need to stop my daughter eating your goldfish first.
I’m sorry. I’m a parent. It happened. I also promise to try really hard to stop saying, “wait until you have children…..”