There was some snow last Sunday morning, well a little and hubster decided to take the gremlin to the park for a bit, whilst I cleaned the house ready for some house viewings.
I settled down to the sink cleaning with my phone happily playing music in my pocket. As I drifted into thought, I was suddenly brought back to the reality that I was on my own. Not just on my own but on my own in my house. Apart from my film soundtrack music merrily playing away, the house was silent. Then I had to ponder. When was the last time I was alone in my house? When I was last alone?
I don’t count it being in car driving to work, as it’s a chore and often I am on the phone or listening to music. Going to the the loo doesn’t count; I often have an audience. I bath with the gremlin most nights and my showers usually involve some gremlin entertainment. The naps have gone and a snoring child on the sofa is lush but doesn’t count. At bedtime I just want to sleep. Starting a cascade of thoughts is never a good idea, unless I’m happy to see 3am.
In reality I couldn’t remember the last time I was alone in my own house. Or just alone. Pretty scary.
Day to day my hubby works from home and I am out the door by 7.15am on my working days and home between 5-6pm. I’m first one out and last one in at all times. Three out the four days, I pick up the gremlin and on my later finish day; they are both home before me. Obviously, we all are together at weekends. Hubby and I get nights and even weekends off together, which are awesome and I cherish these but again together. Not alone.
I never get time alone in my own house.
I’m not someone who likes to be alone for too long, granted. I enjoy company, chats and just knowing someone is there. I’m not one who really craves solitude that often but for those twenty minutes were pure heaven.
I NEED that time. Sleep is all good for processing thoughts but sometimes I just need to think. Without interruptions. Without noise. I think everyone needs that time to be mindful for a few seconds and then have some time to process stuff that basically never gets processed. A bad day. A good day. To have a think about the past. Sometimes I forget to think about my late Dad or Grandparents and this makes me sad. My mind is too busy and my house is too noisy. Can you remember the last time you truly sat and listening to the sound of your house? Creaks. The hum of the fridge. A scuffle from next door. As I said, I couldn’t. It’s always bustling. It’s always full. I’m not complaining; just reflecting.
I don’t think I have lost too much of myself becoming a parent. I always vowed I wouldn’t. Selfish? Possibly but I could never be just “Mum”. However, I have lost my solitude; my alone time and my silent thinking time. I’m guessing I am not alone in this either.
So what do you do? Make more effort to go out alone? Kick the others out now and then? Try and have a bath alone with scented candles? Maybe. I’m not sure but last weekend opened my eyes a bit and I think making some time for some alone time is needed.
What about you? When are you truly alone? And do you want to be?