Oh No Tui….this is what a holiday with 2 kids is like!!

Firstly before I even start we have just come back from a fabulous holiday in Cyprus. We stayed at a Sensatori hotel, designed by Thompson or Tui, as they are abroad.  They are amazing! We had help from my parents and apart from some very tired children now and then, it was brilliant.

On the flight home, hubby happened to read an article in the Tui in flight magazine about a “day in the life” when staying at one of their Family Life hotels. It described attending Les Mills classes in the morning followed by the beach, swimming or aqua aerobics. After lunch you could have a spa treatment whilst your little darlings are at the kid’s club. A delicious evening meal comes next with so many choices for your minis; the day all finished off with the fabulous kid’s entertainment. Sounds idyllic. Sounds easy. Let’s book NOW!

I’ll stop you right there. Nothing is easy with two kids. Not even with parents on hand to help. Those rose coloured glasses are flying off. Let me give you an insight into a day in life for us; the good, the bad and the ugly.

6am – the baby is awake. WTF child?? It’s 4am at home and you went to bed at 9pm. How is this possible? I don’t want to get my head kicked in so I either go for an early gym session or look at shit on my phone until the eldest wakes. She got the memo and sleeps until 8am.

8.30am – breakfast. Hope to entice the eldest to some nutritious fruit, eggs and yoghurt. Nope she wants chocolate cereal, waffles with chocolate spread, fried egg with chocolate spread, a chocolate spoon…you get the gyst. Repeat this for 11 mornings. The baby just eats anything, including a baby wipe. Nap time is approaching so she is yelling at anyone who will listen.

10.30am – yes it takes us this long to get breakfast and get back out of the room. The room looks like a bomb has gone off. My Mum can’t physically step in as the mess is giving her nausea. The kids are sun creamed up. The gremlin is marding as feels it is her right to take the buggy seat over her 7 month old sister, who can obviously walk down to the pool by herself.

11am – all sit by the pool. Slathered in factor 50 and feel like I am frying. The gremlin looks brown on day 1. Officially hate her. Grandad has gone to the gym so we won’t see him again for at least 3 hours (!). Miss the Les Mills class as the the gremlin had a 30 min crying fit, as a red bug crawled near her foot. Debate a mojito. Daddy takes the gremlin swimming. I read some of my book (success!)

12.30-1pm – lunch time. Nanny convinces me it’s acceptable to have wine at lunchtime. Gremlin has fish and chips and ice cream for lunch. Repeat for 11 days. Piglet eats anything I put in her mouth, including the napkin.

2pm – the gremlin meets a friend who is going home the next day (!) Said friend has been in the kids club all holiday for one session a day. Gremlin refuses to go, unless friends are there. Spa is officially not happening. Chill by the pool. Attempt to get in pool with the gremlin but it is so cold, can only go half way in and shiver. Try to convince the gremlin to have a nap, as she is going to be vile later if she doesn’t. Nap never happens. Crap.

3pm – Piglet naps. Eagerly await her waking up so she can feed and I can have a mojito. Daddy stuffs face with all inclusive crepes and hides from the gremlin. Consider another mojito.

5.30pm – time to go and we are pretty much the last parents to leave the poolside. Everybody else has more sense and time awareness. We can’t be arsed to move. Get ready for the evening meal in record time. Debate straightening hair. Realise I have about 5 minutes to get myself ready. Feed Piglet who then exhaustedly proceeds to yell from her position of power on the bed. Get aftersun in the gremlin’s eye. She cries for 20 minutes and refuses to have any put on her for the remainder of the holiday. Finally get out of the door. Feel sorry for anyone who has to clean our room and vow to leave a big tip. Vow to kill my husband if he doesn’t tidy up.

7pm – food time. Try to convince the gremlin there are other things other than fish, chips and ice cream. She possibly eats one pea. Choose myself an amazing meal. Sit down to eat. Piglet screams like a banshee. Realise my dress isn’t that practical to feed in and have to get my entire nork out and cover with a napkin. Eat one handed. All adults fight over who will NOT be take the gremlin to the kid’s entertainment.

8pm – Kid’s entertainment. Look at my watch desperately to wait until 8.45pm comes and the torture is over. Wonder if the entertainers love it? Can’t have a drink as Piglet still awake and is bound to want more milk. The gremlin chases her new friends all over. Have to tell her off for planting kisses over the little boy she has met(!). Have to tell her off for crawling under people’s seats.

9pm – troop back to the lobby. The gremlin is running around with her new friends. Kids screaming (my fault). I get a bollocking as they have crawled under a table in the adult area. I order a fizzy wine and crawl under the table myself.

10pm – bedtime. The gremlin goes from happy and excited to being an extra in The Exorcist. Take her back to room. She cries. Clean teeth. She cries. Get undressed. She cries. Put her in bed. Argue with hubby for being too soft. She collapses.

10.30 – hubby supplies cocktails from bar.

11pm – zzzzzz

3am – Piglet wakes for a feed.

4am – Piglet still awake. Gremlin has a bad dream

5.30am – Gremlin vomits everywhere.

6am? Shall we go again?

Oh the fun and games! Oh the drama. This is very tongue in cheek but everything here happened at some point during our fabulous holiday.

So Tui, your hotels are amazing but if you can convince my eldest to go to the kids club a bit more, they will be even better.

Happy summer holidays!

*Please note I really did not consume this much alcohol each day….ok maybe not everyday 🙂

My Petit Canard