I’m married…why can’t I get used to being dependent?

Text to hubby, “Can I buy something in New Look?”

Reply, “Why are you asking me this?”

I was staring at myself in the mirror in New Look last week. I was wearing a raincoat; something I had meant to buy for ages but just not got around to. I was pretty sold. I liked it. It fit but I was pondering. Should I buy it? Should I be using this money for something else? Saving it? Anything!

Hence the text to my hubby.

Why was I asking permission?

I felt guilty.

I’m on my final 3 months of maternity leave and the statutory pay has ended. I’m not earning anything and it is feeling very strange. I’m used to working and at least bringing some money home. I’m quite lucky at the moment that the blog has been giving me some income but it’s not always consistent and I’m relying on my husband more.

Some of you will be reading this and wondering why on earth I feel I need to ask my husband permission to buy anything. I’m working hard raising his girls. We are married. We are a team. Money is shared. What’s his is mine and what’s mine is mine. I jest! Don’t get me wrong either, my hubby has never given me any indication I have to ask his permission to spend. There’s no doling out of pocket money and lectures when the credit card bill comes in.

This is entirely my issue. It’s ludicrous.

We have been married almost 5 years and together almost 10. We share everything. I realise if I had decided not to go back to work for a multitude of reasons, I would have to rely on him. I may have had no choice to not work as childcare was too expensive, or work simply could not meet with the childcare needs; drop offs and pick ups. Luckily mine and hubby’s job fits in with the girls being looked after. The gremlin is starting school in September and I am going back to work a month after.

I still cannot shake the guilty feeling when I buy something for myself; clothes, lunch out or that sneaky smoothie in town. Should I be buying this? It’s not “my” money. Yes, I know it is mad! Of course it is my money. I’m married!

I’m not sure where it has come from. Have I been listening to too much Destiny’s Child? Was my Mum, as a single parent having to save and look after us alone, been a strong influence and hence I feel odd when I’m not earning? I’ve always been taught to save and not live beyond my means and hubby has the same mindset too. I guess I have always been used to working and prior to being with hubby, looking after myself. Being independent. It’s really strange shifting from this mindset when you are not earning.

But it’s normal and what happens when you become a Mum and your job and career can take a back seat for a while, unless your partner takes paternity leave.

I guess there is some pressure on ladies to have it all. Work, be a Mum and look fabulous whilst doing it. Some women don’t like the idea of being “taken care off”. That’s fine but honestly that’s not what I think. I quite like the idea of it but the thought of actually me parting with money for something for me, when I’m not earning is just alien.

Am I mad or can others relate?

Would love to know your thoughts!

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2 Comments

  1. July 7, 2017 / 8:14 am

    I absolutely agree and wrote along the same lines before too, but can now say after 18 months of being a SAHM since my mat pay ended its still weird. I still don’t like it! Although with being pregnant buying coffee and cake hasn’t made me feel guilty anymore – just got me through the day
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  2. July 7, 2017 / 8:24 am

    I totally understand this! I feel exactly the same, but ultimately, I try and think through what we would be paying in childcare and see that as what I’m bringing to the table. It doesn’t stop those guilty thoughts sneaking in though!