I’ve often watched chat shows (don’t judge me) with poor kids proclaiming they wanted a baby. When questioned why, why on earth would they want that gargantuan responsibility as a teen, they always answered with the same thing; they wanted something to love them unconditionally. Like many viewers I often snorted into my cuppa. Have a baby so they can love you??
My little newborns of course were the apple of my eye but I knew they didn’t have a clue about love. Cupboard love maybe. In the early days both of them only seemed to have a love affair with my nipples. Milk, milk and more milk. Of course that changes as they get older but for my gremlin her loving nature didn’t appear until she was over two. She often pushed us away and only wanted cuddles on our terms. This was hard, especially when I went back to work. She would dismiss me when I returned home and it’s a tough pill to swallow when you have missed them all day.
Things have changed gradually even more so over the last few months. Everyone used to say how much of a Daddy’s girls my eldest was. They are very alike to look at of course and they did seem to have that special bond. Don’t get me wrong, that is still present but she seems to have gravitated towards me so much more.
When you have children you know they are going to depend on your for everything. They learn from you, look up to you and this responsibility is flipping scary as it is. It maybe the gremlin’s recent start at school or her age or just she has grown to understand fully what true love really is. I’m her complete world at the moment and I could have never imagined what this would feel like. I can do no wrong and I’m constantly showered with cuddles, kisses and ‘I love yous’. She’s totally put me on a pedestal. It’s overwhelming sometimes as I feel I can crush her with harsh words or pushing her away (which I try not to do). Her sad little tears are heartbreaking to see. It’s a massive responsibility to have over the happiness of this little girl. I can’t protect her all the time. She’s at school now and there is only so much I can do to ensure she is ok and happy whilst she is there.
It’s an awesome, frightening power to have and her love for me is something I can’t really describe. It’s a truly incredible thing and 100% reciprocated by me. I’m crazy-obsessed with this little creature I helped to make. She’s sweet, crazy and kind and a true joy to be around. I’m breathing in all this love and making the most of all this time, as I know she will probably always love me but she won’t love me in the same way. This strong need she has for me and the blinded way she sees me; perfect in her eyes, won’t last.
For now I want to be the mum who gets involved in everything at school. I want to be the one who takes her to parties and has time with her one on one at the weekend. I want to be the mum always reaching for a cuddle.
I’m taking in everything I can from this little girl who loves me so much. It’s the best feeling in the world.