“Can I Have Your Scarf?”

“Can I have your scarf?”

This is what my gremlin asked me when she realised I was going away with work for a couple of nights with work this weekend. I knew she wanted it because it smells of me. She sometimes sleeps with my scarf, PJ top or some item that smells of me. It’s very cute and I secretly love it but I didn’t love the, “I don’t want you to gos….” and floods of tears last week, begging me not to go.

For me it’s going to be my first trip away from both my girls; my first solo flight since I went to Lyon with work in 2015. I have to admit I’m apprehensive of going and leaving them.

I’ve spoken before about how maternity leave both times, more on the firstĀ  shoved a massive dent in my confidence. You get into a familiar bubble, a routine, a definite comfort zone and it’s hard to get back “out there”. Even though I’m back at work now, settled and in a routine again, moving out of that can make me feel uneasy. A day trip, hubby being away and now a trip to Amsterdam where I will be away for 2 nights!!

For the gremlin she is now really old enough to know I will be gone and will miss me and I know I’m really going to miss them. A break is lovely. A quiet hotel room is lovely, adult company, good food and learning will be awesome but it doesn’t take away the nerves of going away and leaving them both.

It will be too quiet. I will have no one stealing my food, pooping in the bath with me (yes this did happen last week) and no one talking at me 24/7.

I never wanted to be one of those Mums who would feel the wrench so hard. One who would be so settled in my PJs at 7pm, blogging on my laptop but it happens. Things don’t turn out the way you think they will do. You end up going back on everything when you have kids. You do become soppy, emotional and do end up worrying over the slightest thing. I think it’s called parenthood.

I know deep down I’ll have a good time if all goes to plan. I’ll be learning new stuff and I do love Amsterdam but I will be thinking about my eldest snuggling up to my scarf as she goes to sleep, smelling my smell.

And I’ll be missing them both.

You can read a bit more about what happened to my confidence here.