I am only human. Unfortunately also, I am a human with a temper. Well all know as parents there really isn’t much point in shouting at our children. It doesn’t help. It frightens them and ultimately you are lowering yourself to their level.
This advice is all well and good isn’t it? Until you are in a car alone with a screaming child. A child who has screamed since they woke up for 20 solid minutes. You are on the motorway, in rush hour, trying to speak to your husband about a better route home. There is traffic, lots of traffic and your child will not stop screaming. You have tried being calm and talking to them, offering them water. You even put classical music on to try and calm them, turned the music off, up and sang.
Nothing has worked.
Blood is boiling. Husband in one ear, Screaming in the other ear.
You becomes I.
I lost it.
I screamed at her to shut up. Not just shouted. Screamed and three times. Did it do any good? No, she looked petrified and carried on screaming until we got home, whilst I felt completely wretched. I expected her to beg for her Daddy as we got out of the car but no she wanted me. The Mother that just screamed at her; she was desperate to cuddle. I knew she was so upset as she was struggling to catch her breath. Luckily I had a parcel of scrapbooking supplies waiting for me and we opened them together and she calmed down, with me hugging her and desperately saying sorry.
I know it was wrong and I knew when the words were blasting from my mouth I was going to regret it and boy I regret it. Sometimes, you just lose the sensible part of your brain when you are getting stressed and in a temper.
She’s forgotten it. Of course she has. Life just goes on for her and she still wants me; to cuddle, to fall asleep on and in the middle of the night. I know I will try my hardest not to do it again but I know there will be situations that will test me again and I will really have to rise above it.
Forgiving your parents for their mind blocks and stupidity comes easy to a child. You are their parents and they love you all the time, even if you are an idiot for a bit. The hardest part is me forgiving myself.