Parenting is grim. Parenting grossness is something we come across on a daily basis! It’s a good job we love these little monsters (or gremlins in my case) as it’s enough to make you vom or scream on a daily basis. It’s certainly enough to make a list.
I never thought I would be subjected to so many minging things as a Mum but oh wow, yes you are. The thing is you. tolerate them all too!
Here is my A-Z of Parenting Grossness, writing after having my eldest daughter back in 2015:
A is for arse. Pooey, weey, trumpy, someone has to clean them.
B is for bottles. Not the lovely milk-filled clean kind. The ones you find under your car seat that have been there a week in 20 degree summer heat. Lumpy milk filled bottles are lush to clean out.
C is for coughing. In my face. With sputum.
D is for dummies. It could land in dog poop and my daughter will pick it up and put it back in her mouth.
E is for ear-wax. When I notice how dirty my child’s ears are and think I can’t use a cotton bud so what else?
F is for farts. Sausage farts being the worst but I’m sure they can smell worse than my husband’s.
G is for glue. On my top. On my table. On my wall.
H is Heuwwwww – S**t yes, my child has just puked.
I is for insects. It could be a flea and I have to remove it as it is obviously going to eat my daughters.
J is for Jumparoo. That blasted thing took up half my lounge.
K if for kicking. Usually my face in anger.
L is for licking. My face, my nose, my ear. I love slobber.
M is for midnight. I’ve been woken up again and I’ve been taken right of out my REM sleep so I’m going to feel even worse tomorrow.
N is for nose. The producer of the most disgusting slime. It dries. It gets on my clothes. And the bonus prize is the cold awaiting in it that will get me in the next few days.
O is for oblivious – left the house with nappies. Forget the wellies. Forgot the hat.
P is for Peppa Pig. Anyone else want to BBQ that pig?
Q is for Quack Quack (insert name of stinky blanket toy here).
R is for Romance = a quicky on the sofa.
S is for Sarah. Who is that? All is hear is “Mummy!!!!”
T is for timeout. The frequent ones that I have to take.
U is for underwear. She always puts my ones for the wash on her head.
V is for vajayjay – potentially wrecked for life.
W is for wee wee. I can cope when it’s in nappies but when on my bed during potty training. Not so much.
Y is for yoghurt – the new food group.
Z is for zit. The one I really want to pop on my daughter’s bum.
I’d love to see your versions of parenting grossness.
Disclaimer – I love my daughter to the moon and back. This was written after a day in the house, slowly going insane!
