I always knew I wanted to go back to work after having children and I was very lucky in my job that I was able to. I used to work full time before the gremlin came along and I dropped down to three days when I went back to work. I’m lucky hubby works from home and can cope with the pick ups and drop offs. I get now and had with the grem, two lovely days with the girls and the other three days I work. People often moan about the NHS but it was very flexible for me being able to in essence, get the best of both worlds.
That’s not true though. It’s not really the best of both worlds.
You can’t throw yourself into one role fully. There are some days I have with the girls and I slowly feel like I am going insane. You know the days, you may feel cranky, more tired, more hormonal, everything they do drives you crazy and you long for those days away at work. Then there are mornings when I work and would give anything for a lazy day with little Piglet and to do the school drop offs, which I miss so much when I do work!!
I know my head isn’t as focused as it was pre-kids. I try to focus all day at work but I often find I’m dreaming, thinking of something I need to do at home and I know my heart is with those girls. I hate that feeling sometimes; it feels feminine, almost weak, fitting that stereotype of not being able to fit my job over my girls but I can’t. It’s like the head wants to do more with my career but my heart really isn’t in it right now.
I really enjoy my job nevertheless. I have a great team, it’s varied, interesting and I wouldn’t want to stop, even though those first few weeks after maternity leave were very hard, with sleepless nights and crying with some of my team members. That passes though and the routine comes back and it’s normal and ok.
Until you realise you are going to miss something important to your child and there is nothing you can do as you have a work commitment. This is made even harder as you tell your child you can’t make it and you have them quite distraught when they realise you are not going to see what they have been practising.
I can’t make my eldest’s first sports day and I think this has upset me more than anything in a long while. I know to some it’s a boring event in the school calendar but I would swap places with them in a heartbeat to go. It’s her first sport’s event and I don’t care how well she does, I just want to be there.
She was the most upset I had seen her in a long time and although I reassured her, her Dad was going, to her at the moment Dad does not equal Mum and she was so sad. As I am darling.
These are the days when I hate the balanced act; trying to work and be a Mum too. These are the days when I could pack it all in and try and focus on being a Mum. I know I wouldn’t do it though and I know there are full time workers, who struggle to make anything at school and miss out on a lot more than me but it’s all relative.
I know it’s the one thing all year I have missed. I try to get involved with as much as a I can and support her at school but it feels horrible missing out on anything at all.
I know I like my job but some days I hate being a working Mum.
Can you relate?