Sex During Pregnancy? Is this a yes or no for you? I guess it’s a similar question to Sex After Pregnancy? How Long do you wait?
So before anyone who is related to me by blood or marriage reads this…stop right there. You may not want to read on. Not porn but sex so maybe not pretty eh?
I’m pregnant with my second and was chatting to hubby recently about sex during pregnancy; lots of aspects. Do I fancy it? Does he? Do I look different? Is it weird?
This got me thinking about a post and I wanted to ask some of the other bloggers out there who are expecting or had children in the past. Were they up for it? Or not?
Sex During Pregnancy?
I had an awesome quote from Lucy from Mrs H’s Favourite Things:
“I always think that sex in pregnancy is like sex on your wedding night. Few people actually get down to business but many say they do. What tends to happen is that you are exhausted and one of you is quite possibly throwing up in the bathroom.”
Fabulous!
I did my research. Some bloggers wanted to be named and others kept anonymous. What I expected was a light hearted post on quite a big part of any relationship. What I didn’t expect was to discover the sadder side to this topic; it isn’t all rampant, bumpy mothers getting their kicks. Nor is it just about achy, tired expectant mothers wanting to be left alone to sleep for an age. It’s just as much about the fathers and partners and what they want and feel isn’t always what we mothers want to hear or experience.
So what about me for a start? First 12 weeks of both pregnancies? Hard work. Aimed for once a week to keep things going. Often failed. With the gremlin from the second trimester to the end I was pretty much always up for it and it was brilliant. Let’s just say the night before I went into labour we had done the deed!! This time around it is similar but perhaps a bit less due to having a gremlin in the house. I definitely want to sleep at night so day time shenanigans are better; again with a gremlin in the house; tricky. I’m lucky that hubby doesn’t really bother about the bump or my growing bum and boobs. It doesn’t freak us out. Perhaps due to my medical background I’m not too worried. Not much really changes. Afterwards? A good month wait before that thing was going near me again!!
My linky bud Helen from All the Beautiful Things was in full agreement with her usual honesty:
“Well my libido definitely stepped up a notch…it was hot! Ha!”
The lovely Eilidh from Mummy and Monkeys was happy to agree with us also, however her hubby was slightly more apprehensive:
“I actually had quite a high libido when I was pregnant. I loved my pregnant body which helped. He wasn’t too sure though sometimes the bump put him off which would annoy me!”
Two fellow bloggers who wished to remain anonymous also felt sex was much more enjoyable in pregnancy due to greater sensation, due to likely increased blood flow to those lady regions. However, in the end severe SPD and general aches and pains but a bit of a stop to that.
Another anonymous blogger felt she was up for it in both her pregnancies but the tiredness took over a bit during her second and so the action was a bit less.
Leanne from A Slice of My Life in Wales begged to differ:
“Sex in pregnancy – is there such a thing?
Between my achy hips, the need to throw up every five minutes and the constant tiredness there was no chance that I was letting Spencer come anywhere near me!”
Sian from Quite Frankly She Said agreed with Leanne and has also written a fab post which critiqued some of the Mother Magazine for pressurising women to continue with sex as they did pre-pregnancy:
“I literally have zero libido during pregnancy and beyond. I’d much rather sleep! 😂 Unfortunately Ian doesn’t feel the same, his libido stayed the same so it’s often a bone of contention.”
For some Mums it was more the fear of something happening to the baby due to previous miscarriages and bleeding that put them off some under the sheets love. Then there were the couples who are both a little freaked out at having sex, as there is a little person growing in there!
Not so bad as both are on the same page but what about for the women who have a great libido but their partners just cannot bring themselves to get close.
My husband attended a stag do when I was pregnant with the gremlin, where he was asked was he still having sex as I was pregnant. Obviously, this was yes but many of the stags were a bit surprised and said they couldn’t do it. It would be too weird. Privately, hubby and I laughed at this and were of the opinion things would change; a 9 month dry spell is easier said than done. However, I was surprised and a bit saddened to find is quite common.
All affected bloggers wanted to be kept anonymous, which did not surprise me but it opened my eyes to some of the issues some women and their partners face.
For one blogger, her partner had very strong negative feelings against sex during pregnancy:
“..pregnancy repulsed him to the point that the last time we had any sexual contact was when I got pregnant.”
Their little one has just had their first birthday.
Another stated:
“I actually felt like I was making my OH have sex. I needed to feel wanted and in the end just ended up feeling as though I disgusted him. Childbirth has ruined my body so I don’t even think I’ll feel any better but I still want sex!”
It’s not just during the pregnancy where there can be issues:
“I’ve been feeling unwanted by my partner too since my son was born…and he told me today he’s bought a big box of condoms online when we barely have sex and I’m always the one chasing him for it. Don’t know who he’s going to use them with because I’ve given up trying.”
Initially my reaction was almost anger. You have impregnated these poor ladies but yet are making them feel disgusting and worthless as their body changes AND for some this seems to continue post birth. But then I thought a bit harder.
Why such a strong negative reaction?
Is it a sexual preference and genuine loss of attraction which is horrific for an expectant or new mother, potentially lacking in confidence or at a loss with their changing body? Or it is genuine fear of harming the child; a fear that is unfounded and not really discussed by health professionals?
Time passes. That dry month becomes a dry 9 months which can continue for a long time post birth. Exhaustion, recovery from any sort of birth, adjustment; there are so many things that will ensure love is put on a back burner after a baby comes. But then lack of sex seems to be getting swept under the carpet and the question is can it be recovered?
It wasn’t something that was discussed with me by any health professional during my 1st pregnancy and has not been mentioned during this one either. Is it taboo or it is simply something not prioritised. Or are health professionals waiting for you to bring it up? From some of the contributors experiences, I feel it should be something asked, as could possibly but affecting an expecting mother and partner very negatively.
I know relationships are not all about sex but for most it plays a big part of being close, having fun and sharing something that no-one else shares, especially your children! For mothers who had good sex lives before, being rejected must be very difficult. Of course partners are entitled to their feelings and opinions, however hurtful to the expectant Mum.
Sex or lack of sex in pregnancy needs to be discussed openly between health professionals, mothers and partners, even between family and friends. As long as there are no complications, it’s safe, it’s fun and keeps you and your partner close.
Doing this may help to save a few relationships and make pregnancy a little bit more interesting and manageable.
Thanks so much to all the lovely bloggers who contributed and I hope relationships can be happy again both in and out of the bedroom.
Funny post! I do remember thinking it was all a bit weird when the baby is big enough to properly move around!! #twinklytuesday
I think it various so massively from couple to couple. I know from talking to my friends, that everyone is in a different place with their sex life. I think sleep deprivation after the birth is the biggest problem and this can go on for a long time. X #twinklytuesday
Well done on approaching a topic we often don’t discuss! For me it was rare. After miscarriages, I was just so bloody terrified something would go wrong. ‘Normal’ is whatever works for you as a couple. #twinklytuesday
And popping by from #bestandworst
Really interesting post and brave subject to tackle. I love the way youve asked other bloggers and like you i am surprised by the responses. Those poor mummies who feel their partner is so unattracted to them now, that cannot be good for their mental wellbeing. Thankfully that has never been an issue for hubs! For me first time round the horrible nausea followed by intense spd put paid to anything. Second time round the spd was still limiting but not quite such a definite no as 1st time round. My struggle is that being a sahm i feel so unsexy all the time being clambered over by children and having my personal space invaded that come bedtime I just want some space and cant just turn it on. But lets face it it is an important part of any relationship so we have make sure i get me time and we make time for us time as otherwise it would never happen haha sorry if tmi but think its a subject worth talking about xxx
Wow, so many negative experiences in this post. I think it is really important to try and keep your sex life alive while pregnant,9 months is a really long time to go without it. I must admit I’m feeling quite big this pregnancy and I’m struggling to feel happy with my new (fat) body. I need hubby to show me he still fancies me etc otherwise I would just loose all confidence. Probably unfair pressure on him but I need to feel like I’m still attractive to him, if that makes sense? Although pregnant sex does get a bit weird when baby is huge and moving around at the same time! Good on you for being at it the night before you went into labour!!xx #TwinklyTuesday
This is a really interesting post. Thank you. My ex was repulsed by my pregnancy and actually warned, long before I got pregnant that he didn’t find pregnant women attractive. He was also quite repulsed by motherhood which was a bit of an issue. This wasn’t the cause of our separation but it certainly didn’t help. It is really nice sleeping with new people now. I feel attractive and desirable even though I am a mother and that is lovely. Pen xx #thetruthabout
This was such an interesting read! My consultant told me to abstain from sex during my last three pregnancies due to constant bleeds and being high risk and WOW that was hard!!! I had only been with my husband for a few months and so we were still very much in the honeymoon stage and all of a sudden we couldn’t have sex! We did find ways around it but I missed that closeness, as well as being ridiculously horny, and I always blame the abstinence for the reason why we got pregnant so quickly after each baby – making up for lost time!! #TwinklyTuesday
It’s a topic that not many people talk about. So go you for bringing it up!!
My drive this time round is at an all time low. This. Oils be because my OH works a back shift. Doesn’t get in till about 11 at night and by that point i am exhausted from working full time then watching our 3 year old all day haha. It doesn’t bother him though. Obviously he’d love it to be like the first time round lol but, it’s just one of these things!
Great post
Lx
http://workingmumy.blogspot.com
#TwinklyTuesday
This is a fantastic post and well done you for writing it. I think everyone is different with pregnancy and sex – personally ours stopped but now it’s better than it was before (tmi sorry!) #twinklytuesday xx
I agree with Caroline, pregnancy (especially when you already have a child) and then motherhood does put so many time, physical and emotional pressures on us women that it can be really difficult to feel ‘in the mood’ (although apparently not for everyone!) and it’s exacerbated even more if you have any other problems within your relationship and it’s not rock solid (the relationship I mean 😉 ). I seem to remember the husband being quite turned off by pregnancy the first time round then did a 180 for pregnancy 2 (whilst I was possibly the opposite so not great really!). Thanks for linking up to #thetruthabout – not a subject we discuss every day!! 🙂
It’s so interesting to read all the various views on this topic. By the way I love what youre wearing in the third photo, stunning x
Such an interesting one! Personally with my huge tummy and this heat (plus A sleeping terribly) I can’t bear the thought of it. #bestandworst
This is a really great post lovely. I don’t have a crazy high sex drive and although I’m very body confident during pregnancy, tiredness tends to win! My hubby was as up for it as ever and has only ever made me feel loved and that he thinks I’m beautiful. It really saddens me that so many women feel that they repulse their other halves xx
Really interesting post. For me personally, my libido increased tenfold when I was pregnant. It’s significantly tailed off the in the years that have proceeded mind you! #bestandworst
I’m all for hopping on but had a cervical stitch at 16 weeks and so wasn’t allowed to do anything. Maybe being banned made us both want it more and we ended up having a few fumbles but just want worth risking it! Some people are really repulsed by sector when pregnant but that extra blood flow certainly makes things more enjoyable…if you’re allowed! #bestandworst
When i was pregnant with Dexter, we had this conversation at work. One of the guys was constantly up for it with his wife and the bump was kind of a turn on but 2 other both said they were a bit weirded out and didn’t want to hurt the baby. I said I didn’t believe they would go a whole 9 months without but reading this maybe they could?
I know I couldn’t!
aw I’d feel devastated if I thought my body repulsed my husband.. thankfully that isn’t the case. It wasn’t really a big deal for us, we did what we always did and had sex when we wanted too, I did wonder if he would be put off by the births and although he pulled some faces during it that made me think he was a bit grossed out, sex resumed as normal. Although I did ‘make’ him do it a few times towards the end of my pregnancies, following the old wives tale about sex helping to bring on labour lol – good post. Made me think a few of the men are shits though… #bestandworst
At 1st I was laughing at this, almost like a giggly teen, but as I read on Sarah I felt really saddened. Pregnancy has never stopped our sex life and we are on number 4, it just gets more inventive. I feel that whilst relationships aren’t all about it, it is an important aspect to connect a couple and relieve tension for both, increase unity and all that blah blah blah, hahah thats just how I see it. In the beginning I am always so sick it is a no go, but we soon make up for it and its not just about me, so whether I am tired, achey or massive with a bump we don’t let it stop that part of our marriage relationship. I think he enjoys that certain parts are bigger lol
I do agree a good month or so after, and when breast feeding it always weirds me out for him to be anywhere near that part of my body, but no, pregnancy and kids do not stop us being together. x #bestandworst
I feel so sorry for some of those lovely ladies who now feel so unwanted, it must be really hard. Pregnancy is a funny thing and I sometimes think that maybe the partners can be left unsure as they don’t feel and know the baby the way we do when we are pregnant, but to be left feeling repulsive is dreadful #bestandworst
Some of those stories made me laugh but some are so sad, it’s hard to know quite what to say … Um … 🙁
Back again from #bestandworst – loving all the comments!
The tiredness with the second and third kinda threw a spanner in the works but I’m pretty sure there was at least a little getting on at some point #bestandworst
From the man view! I always thought you could harm the baby daft I know wonderful post funny but also serious thanks for hosting#bestand worst
I think you’ve tackled what can be such a sensitive and awkward subject in a light, honest and genuine way Sarah. It’s so true that the changes our bodies go through and the upheaval that a baby brings can play havoc with our love lives and yet you’re absolutely right – it’s just not really spoken about. Very well written x
Thanks for hosting #bestandworst lovely.
What a fantastic post! It is great to see everyone sharing this tricky subject – and it has been handled so well. When I was pregnant with Grace I found my libido increased! Not easy with a big bump in front of you! #thetruthabout
THis is a brilliant post, When I was pregnant with Logan I wasn’t interested at all until the end of the third trimester. Because of having an ectopic pregancy followed by a miscarriage I was so scared to death that something would happen or go wrong I just didn’t want it, to risk anything. I was so scared everytime I went to the loo I’d see blood. It breaks my heart to know that I deprived my hubby because of a fear I had and looking back I wish I could’ve just trusted my body more. #bestandworst
Definately not for me but that’s because the times we tried it really hurt. I have no idea why. It put me off trying again though. I didn’t really have any sex drive anyway to be honest because I had pelvic girdle pain and pain everywhere else to be honest. My pregnancies were really really difficult. I was so tired, hormonal and achy all the way through and I was honestly huge from quite early on. I’m only 5ft2 and I really felt that extra weight. I also had obstetric cholestatis which causes the skin to itch immensely. My pregnancies weren’t fun to say the least (not even the second trimester) and sex was the absolute last thing I felt like doing. I’m not exaggerating when I say that from 5 months onwards I could barely walk.
#bestandworst
What a brilliantly honest post! I definitely think that the subject of sexual is taboo anyway, but even more so during pregnancy and afterwards! All those hormones can have a positive AND negative affect on your libido, but whatever you’re feeling I think it’s important that you keep communication between you and your partner open so you’re both on the same page #bloggerclubuk
Great post on something that is such a taboo to talk about openly. Its really interesting to see and hear what you found out from speaking to other bloggers and mums around this. I definitely think it varies from couple to couple, but my experience which is pretty much peaks and troughs throughout pregnancy seems to be similar to friends that I have discussed this with. Pregnancy definitely creates some challenges, especially in the first and last few months, but then it also creates so fun opportunities too 😉 Emily #bestandworst
I really enjoyed reading this…. Although I’m sure I didn’t say that quote….ha!Very interesting reading the comments too,who knew it varied so much. I would hate to think my body repulsed my husband, we did find it a bit weird however when I was huge!! #bestandworst
Such a brilliant post, lovely. And I think it is a really important one to share. It shows that there is no ‘normal’ as far as sex is concerned in pregnancy. You just do what you and your partner feel like. However, it saddens me that so many women feel that their partner is repulsed by them either during or after pregnancy. That is terrible. Thanks for including my quote. You star. Hugs Lucy xxxx
I’d be curious to see how my wife answered this, (she just went to bed) but for me, I don’t think much changed during her pregnancy. At the end we had to get a bit more creative positioning wise, but for the most part it was business as usual.
I was told by my IVF doctor I wasn’t allowed to have sex for the first month. I didn’t really trust him as he also recommended I didn’t work for two weeks or go shopping for a month but I was scared that if we did something would go wrong and I’d be to blame. Or rather my horniness would. Later the Mummy was constantly worried about me somehow hurting the baby so it was a bit of a challenge. Annoying as my libido was raging.
Great post Sarah. Mrs OMG was like a horny jack rabbit. Being a horny jack rabbit all the time, I was quite pleased about this.
Until the point I literally thought she was trying to kill me with sex! I mean even I’m not that horny ffs.
Towards the end it did get a bit awkward. The bump was massive!! This led to frustration and then abandoning the whole idea for sleep instead.
I will say that during her pregnancy with Buddy I was initially worried about doing damage. Dr Google and her assurance “That little thing won’t go anyway near the baby!” allayed any fears.
Happy bump n grinding
My husband was too weirded out by it all and couldn’t even entertain the idea. The only time we did was with the last one to see if it would bring on labour as I was 10 days overdue. It didn’t help…and I was induced. Ho-hum…
Fab post and interesting to read everyones POV.
xx
#twinklytuesday
Loved this post! It’s so interesting to hear the experiences from other couples. Personally we continued ‘getting on’ throughout pregnancy, although not as much as before and past around 6 months the hubby did say that it felt a bit odd with the bump – he just coudn’t ‘let loose’ ha! He once said that it was because he’d suddenly started to see me as the mother of his child rather than ‘his wife’ – he used to call me a ‘vessel’ and think he wanted to look after me rather than throw me around! We’re back to normal but admittedly I think my drive has declined since motherhood – I’m just so tired all the time! #bestandworst
This is a brilliant post, I must admit we were in the no camp during pregnancy, much to my disgust! Though obviously back in the swing to make #2, now if he would just sleep then we might get a bit more than we do!!! 😉 x
Interesting post! I’ve personally found it different with each pregnancy. After my first we didnt do it for ages, I even went on This morning to discuss the topic and said that I just hadn’t felt up to it for about 9 months after having my son – not an intentional thing, just being overwhelmed with tiredness and being constantly awake or dealing with a baby who didnt sleep.
Second time around, I was pregnant again when the baby was 6 weeks old which kinda shows we didnt have that problem that time!! ha! xx
This is a really fascinating post. So sad that some partner’s feel that way. Thankfully, my hubs never went off sex although I’ll admit it did reduce a lot as I was so sore and ill. Since T arrived our sex life is generally less frequent that pre-child because I’m so tired and often “touched out” by the end of the day with a child and want to be physically alone for a bit. I do feel guilty on the occasions when I do say no. But generally I think we do okay. Thanks for sharing a really important topic X #bestandworst
Really interesting read. Thanks. It’s nice to hear some real life issues and attitudes to this topic. It’s incredible how important the issue of sex in a relationship is
I’m quite surprised at the results too. I can understand the men who feel nervous of harming the baby, that’s something I feel should be discussed and his feelings are as valid as the mother’s. However, I find it shocking that men are rejecting their partners because their bodies have changed. I wonder how many of those men have a perfect six pack?
I do think that some of it is down to not communicating. Perhaps in some cases, the woman feels rejected but it’s more a case of her partner assuming she wouldn’t be up for it and not wanting to pressure her.
Thanks for linking up to #BloggerClubUK 🙂
Debbie
An interesting topic. I don’t really remember the situation for us, the last time I was pregnant was more than 7 years ago! I do think that it’s important to discuss the situation with your partner, talk about the things that are bothering you (or your partner) and discuss ways of overcoming them. Sex is an important part of a relationship, whether we want to admit it or not, and ignoring the dry spells can have disastrous consequences.
A great post hun, thanks for sharing. x
#bestandworst
This was really interesting to read everyones’ experiences, they’re all so different! My libido went down into the gutter in the first few months of pregnancy and then straight back up for the rest (I think it brought on my second labour). The only thing is like those other mums, I was so tired! A morning quickie was our only option especially when pregnant with our second. If ever I was turned down and made to feel awful like those other poor mums I’d be really broken hearted too. At a time when we’re most vulnerable we rely on our partners to lift our spirits and be there for us. BUT like you said, they have their own feelings about baby bodies so we shouldn’t pick up the pitch forks straight away. The biggest thing there is communication, if partners tell us why they’re not ‘up for it’ then it’s easier than just being rejected. A really great read hun! x #bestandworst
Great post and really good to see what other people had to say! It made me feel better to see there is such a good mixture out there:)
mainy
#bestandworst
This is a great post and not at all what I expected.
I find it odd how many men get freaked out by the thought of it but understand the fear that they may harm the baby. The body confidence point is incredibly important. During a time of heightened emotion it’s all the more vital that couples can talk to each other as how each may feel is not always a fixed point and there is a danger that handled badly a one off rebuff gets interpreted as swearing off completely.
Thanks for sharing this and in such a sensitive way.
#BestandWorst
This is a great post Sarah. There is a massive difference between couples, isn’t there? I think if my husband had been asked pre-pregnancy whether he would be interested in sex with a pregnant woman he wouldn’t have been too keen, but as it happened in all three pregnancies we were fine, luckily.
Thanks for sharing on #bloggerclubuk.
How interesting. particularly it being some of the men who were not interested, even after the birth, which is not what you tend to expect. #bestandworst
You’ll remember what the new Mum asked the obstetrician
Q. “How soon can we have sex about childbirth?”
A. “Pretty soon but I’d wait for the placenta to come out first”
Some sad stories above but yes, keeping lines of communication open is paramount.
Jo
x
#bloggerclubuk #thetruthabout