It’s funny when you have your second baby. In fact any baby after your first! Usually things are a little easier. You kind of know what you are doing. You panic less. You have an older child or children to take care of and all your fuss and attention can’t go on this new baby.
It does seem easier, well it did for me after little Piglet.
So I guess I expected it to be the same when returning to work after my second. In fact people had said it would be easier. So I guess I wasn’t expecting to find it quite so hard.
But I have.
Being at work is fine. Doing my job is fine. I’m fine when I’m there. It’s just everything around it.
The commute, the pick ups, eating, blogging, bath time and just not being there and not seeing two of them.
First time around I was silly and I threw myself back into work, not wanting to admit it was hard. I wanted to be strong and this was fine for the first 2 weeks. Then horrible insomnia and anxiety washed over me for a good 2 months. Was not a happy time, so I decided to cut myself some slack this time. It has helped in the respect I’ve put a lot less pressure on myself but the reality hit me immediately.
The gremlin has started school and as she is coming home with hubby, rather than her staying at nursery till I am home from work. She’s at home and I can’t catch up with her, do a bit of work with her. Some parents hate the school run but I love it. We live close to the school and although to get to do it for 2 days of the week but I miss it. I love seeing her little face as she runs out to me, smiling. I love her legging it home and us having a snack together with her sister.
Little Piglet is absolutely fine at nursery and settled in with no problems but I still feel sad on the days I barely see her. I’m out very early and by the time I’m back it’s teatime and bath time and another day has gone.
I’m not a tearful person but they have flowed quite a lot over my first two weeks back. That sad little knot in my chest when the gremlin is struggling with something and me wondering if she would be more settled if I was at home. My little baby sitting all solemn when she comes back from nursery and I’m still not back.
Parenting. God who would do it? The guilt and the worry and the juggling. We all do it and of course it’s all relative. I know I’m very lucky too, as I CAN work and I don’t have to do it full time but you can’t help how you feel about something. No matter how lucky you feel, that little pang still hangs around.
I would never quit my job as it’s part of me. I’ve worked hard to get to where I am and do enjoy it. Plus the money helps! I also deep down think nursery is good for kids. They get so much out of it and do learn to be sociable and away from their parents for a bit, which I think is healthy. But these positive thoughts can go round and round my mind but I still feel that niggle.
For some everything second time around with children is easier but not returning to work for me.