How to deal with Cold Callers – the Chris way….

How to deal with Cold Callers – the Chris way….

So I’ve let the hubby write for my blog. Holy moly! What am I doing??? But I let him loose and here we go!

Do you get a lot of cold callers? I do. Not too many, but the ones I do get are annoying. Not because they are trying to sell you stuff you don’t want, but because they don’t really listen to you, or rarely polite, bearing in mind they called you, and generally reading from a script. This opinion has now become a baseline, so whenever I get a cold caller and I’m after a bit of instant entertainment, I decide to give said cold callers a bit of variety in their day by being a bit challenging.

Here are my best 5…

5) Caller 1: Hello, I’m calling to tell you about your infected Windows machine

Me: Just before you start, I must let you know I used to teach undergraduate computer programming.

<Beeeeeeeep>

Damn it, I went in too hard then.

Caller 2: Hello, your Windows machine is infected by a virus…

Me: Oh goodness me, do tell me more kind fellow

<Beeeeeeeep>

Damn it, damn it damn it…. next time!

 

4) Double glazing salesman (in person, and evidently in training): Your windows look a little old and may be eligible for break in.

Me: Eligible? Really? Is is a competition and I win a free police call out?

Salesman: Errr well, I mean…

Me: Don’t worry, I know you, meant liable. Right, hit me with your best pitch.

Salesman: <He continues for about 5 mins>

I then proceed to give him a full critique of his sales pitch with hints and tips. It really didn’t go down well….

 

3) Frozen food saleswoman: Hi there! We’d like to…

Me (interrupting): Before you carry on, I must tell you something. I have a chicken farm, with lots of chickens. How big do you think my main cock is?

Frozen food sales: <Bursts into laughter> You just made my day! This is by far the best call I have had in a long time. Thank you! I’ll leave you to the rest of you evening!

WIN!

 

2) Broadband salesman: Hello Sir, we guarantee that we can beat your current broadband price.

Me: I bet you that you can’t. An actual wager.

Broadband salesman: <Takes me through his spiel>….. With a final price of Β£5.99 a month.

Me: Well, I actually get my broadband for free, so technically you’ll have to pay me to keep to your guarantee.

Broadband salesman: OK <more spiel> with a final price of Β£3.56 month.

Me: Hmmm, I need to take you through some maths here. I told you my broadband is currently free, and you can improve this by making me pay. Your number is bigger than my number. Would you do this?

Broadband salesman: Yes

Me: No you wouldn’t, that’s just stupid. Why don’t you just send me some money now? That’s equally as sensible.

Broadband salesman: Erm, well how about getting the broadband for Β£3.56?

Me: I believe we had settled on you sending me money, now are you going to stick the deal to it or not?

<Beeeeeeep>

He hung up.

 

1) Salesman: Hello sir, I’m from….

Me: Can you please hold on for a second, I have something rather urgent in my living room.

Salesman: Yes, certainly.

Me (to my housemate Woody): F***… what the f*** are we going to do, he’s f*****g dead.

Woody (quickly realising the game): I don’t know, I DON’T KNOW! I CAN’T THINK

Me: Well we are going to have to THINK OF SOMETHING, IT’S SUMMER!! It’ll start to smell!!!

Woody:Β  I don’t know I don’t know I don’t know, arrrggghhh!

Me (to salesman): Erm, sorry can you just hold on for a second

Salesman: Are you ok?

Me: Errrr yes, everything is fine. Why are you asking that? I mean…oh wait, can you hold on for a second.

Me (to Woody): F************k What are we going to do? Carpet. We can roll him up in that.

Woody: But there’s f****** blood everywhere, it’s going to take ages to get out

Me: I don’t care, we HAVE to get rid it him. S**t. I mean if we get caught, that’s it we f*****d.

Me (to salesman, in posh voice): Oh hello, I’m having a few issue in my living room. Sorry if you can hear some background noise.

Salesman (sounding genuinely concerned): Is everything alright? Are you ok?

Me: Oh me? I’m fiiiiiiine <starting to laugh now> I’m totally fine…

I hung up here are we were both in stitches. The police never showed up, so either the salesman didn’t believe us, or he was a cold as a stone.

So remember, if you frequently get cold called, you can turn a minor annoyance into some fantastic entertainment!!!!

Mummascribbles
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101 Comments

    • mm
      RunJumpScrap
      October 20, 2015 / 7:51 pm

      That’s the best way!! x

  1. October 20, 2015 / 7:41 am

    That was hysterical!!! Loved it…not sure if I would be game enough to actually use any of those, especially the chicken farm one, for obvious reasons, but dammit I might possibly try, BECAUSE THEY CAN BE SO ANNOYING!! #TwinklyTuesday
    Anna Brophy recently posted…I could get used to this….My Profile

    • mm
      RunJumpScrap
      October 20, 2015 / 7:52 pm

      Glad you enjoyed!! The chicken farm was is a corker! Thanks so much x

      • mm
        RunJumpScrap
        October 22, 2015 / 9:02 pm

        πŸ™‚ x

  2. October 20, 2015 / 7:58 am

    Haha these are amazing! i am definitely going to pretend to have killed someone next time :p I get about 4-5 calls a day. My brother pretends he’s the butler and refusing to give the phone to his “employers” :p my husband asks them to wait for a sec and then sees how long they will wait :p we got up to 3 minutes once
    Charlotte recently posted…Useful Parenting BlogsMy Profile

    • mm
      RunJumpScrap
      October 20, 2015 / 6:11 pm

      haha you need to blog about it then! I can’t get over how many calls you get! Great strategies though xx

  3. October 20, 2015 / 9:31 am

    I know they have to follow a spiel and they have to keep going, even when it seems ridiculous but why oh why do they continue to try and get a sale when you tell them you’re getting a better deal/it free?! I just imagine that job is so soul crushing that they forget how to make normal conversation. I also *love* number one “He’s f*****g dead!!!” Haha!! #TwinklyTuesday
    Apparently Awkward recently posted…A Little Bird Told Me…My Profile

    • mm
      RunJumpScrap
      October 20, 2015 / 6:10 pm

      I know!! It’s like they are a recording. Glad you enjoyed…my hubby is nuts x

  4. October 20, 2015 / 10:34 am

    That’s so funny, but I’ll stick with my strategy of getting them off the phone as quickly as possible! #twinklytuesday

    • mm
      RunJumpScrap
      October 20, 2015 / 6:09 pm

      You’re best just hanging up eh? x

  5. October 20, 2015 / 10:46 am

    I love this!! So funny! I just love the way that cold callers don’t like it when you start taking the pee out of them or don’t fall for all the crap they spill out. Love it. Fab post πŸ™‚ It’s made me laugh! πŸ™‚

    #TwinklyTuesday

    Gemma xx
    Gemma @ Confessions of a Nagging Mother recently posted…The Disney TagMy Profile

    • mm
      RunJumpScrap
      October 20, 2015 / 6:09 pm

      Thanks Gemma…so glad you enjoyed x

  6. October 20, 2015 / 10:50 am

    Brilliant. My favourite is the last one. I’ve taken to handing the phone to my autistic three year old when we get cold callers and he proceeds to tell them about vacuum cleaners or spiders until they hang up.

    My favourite cold calling experience before kids was a guy who phoned up to try and sell my broadband but when he found out who my current provider was said, ‘Oh, yeah we can’t beat them. Sorry.’ I was impressed by his honesty!

    #TwinklyTuesday
    Lady Nym recently posted…So…What *Is* Autism?My Profile

    • mm
      RunJumpScrap
      October 20, 2015 / 6:09 pm

      It’s a good one eh? That is a very good plan with your little one and keeps him entertained. It must have been nice to have an honest caller !! x

  7. October 20, 2015 / 1:10 pm

    Haha love this I agree the best way of dealing with cold callers is simply to eff with their heads! #thetruthabout
    Talya recently posted…13 signs you’re a badass mumMy Profile

    • mm
      RunJumpScrap
      October 20, 2015 / 6:08 pm

      That’s a very good point!!! ha πŸ™‚ x

    • mm
      RunJumpScrap
      October 20, 2015 / 6:07 pm

      Brilliant we aim to please x

  8. October 20, 2015 / 3:34 pm

    The Microsoft ones drive me mad!! We have a computer repair shop and still get calls there – if I’m feeling a bit bored then I do try and keep them on the phone as long as possible. And then after about half an hour just casually drop in “oh wait, I don’t actually have a computer”! #twinklytuesdays
    Elaine @ Entertaining Elliot recently posted…Andy & The Odd Socks Album Review and Q&A’sMy Profile

    • mm
      RunJumpScrap
      October 20, 2015 / 6:06 pm

      haha that sounds like mu hubby! So funny x

  9. October 20, 2015 / 6:42 pm

    Ha ha, love this! My hubs too takes great joy in winding up cold callers, usually with fake accents or insane questions. He also once told a salesman we didn’t need double glazing as we live in a tent. Good times.

    #twinklytuesday

    • mm
      RunJumpScrap
      October 20, 2015 / 7:50 pm

      haha the fake accents is good!! That’s so funny x

    • mm
      RunJumpScrap
      October 20, 2015 / 8:23 pm

      Haha me too Louise – not sure I have the balls! That’s a great trick your MIL has xx

  10. Jane
    October 20, 2015 / 8:29 pm

    Chris….I need some tips. I have been phoned at least 3 times a week for the last 3 months by a company based in Tunbridge Wells (although all of their employees are Liverpudlian!) who are ‘working with my insurers’. My favourite so far was when I asked them to remove my number (for about the tenth time!) the girl shouted at me ‘No I can’t because you haven’t listened to me so you don’t know how we can help you with your accident’. ‘I don’t want your help and I haven’t had an accident’ I said. ‘You don’t know we can’t help you because you haven’t answered my questions and you have had an accident’!!!! Seriously? I can’t get these buggers to go away! Perhaps I will try a dead body scenario next time πŸ™‚ Driving me insane…….considering blowing a whistle next time they call….in the hope that they are wearing headsets. Is that cruel???

    • mm
      RunJumpScrap
      October 22, 2015 / 8:51 pm

      haha Jane! That would drive me insane. They are so tenacious. I think you should try one of Chris’s tricks xx

  11. October 20, 2015 / 8:35 pm

    Brilliant! I am really unimaginative in comparison to this and generally go for “just to warn you, we’ve been having problems with the——-” before hanging up mid sentence. I guess it’s kind of a chicken’s way of hanging up on someone whilst blaming it on technology. πŸ™‚ Thanks to you both for linking up to #thetruthabout this week πŸ™‚
    Sam recently posted…The Truth about… #48My Profile

    • mm
      RunJumpScrap
      October 20, 2015 / 9:31 pm

      Haha that’s still a really quick and easy way to get rid though Sam!! Thanks for hosting as usual xx

    • mm
      RunJumpScrap
      October 20, 2015 / 9:27 pm

      Thanks Kirsty xx

  12. October 20, 2015 / 9:58 pm

    This proper made me and Matt laugh I bet it’s even funnier to hear in person. X

    • mm
      RunJumpScrap
      October 22, 2015 / 8:52 pm

      It’s a gooodun! x

    • mm
      RunJumpScrap
      October 22, 2015 / 9:04 pm

      Haha let me know how you get on! x

  13. Nige
    October 21, 2015 / 6:51 am

    Love this post so funny I always answer with silly answers it’s great fun thanks for hosting x

    • mm
      RunJumpScrap
      October 22, 2015 / 9:03 pm

      It sounds like the best way!! x

    • mm
      RunJumpScrap
      October 22, 2015 / 9:03 pm

      I think you should!! x

  14. October 21, 2015 / 8:58 am

    HILARIOUS! I loved this a lot, Chris is a legend!

    • mm
      RunJumpScrap
      October 22, 2015 / 8:49 pm

      haha he will have a big head x

  15. October 21, 2015 / 9:23 am

    oh I just laughed so hard, I had to share this with my hubby (@photoglanville if you ever want to check him out) he loved this too, my hubby is a complete computer geek and also gets his broadband free through work so we loved this post #bestandworst
    Mackenzie Glanville recently posted…walk your own pathMy Profile

    • mm
      RunJumpScrap
      October 22, 2015 / 9:08 pm

      I just checked him out…cracking pics. Glad you both enjoyed πŸ™‚ x

  16. October 21, 2015 / 9:33 am

    I lLOVE this post! My hubby loves answering cold callers like this!
    Claire recently posted…#MilkdrinkersmilkMy Profile

    • mm
      RunJumpScrap
      October 22, 2015 / 9:06 pm

      Great minds eh? x

  17. October 21, 2015 / 9:54 am

    As someone who used to do this depressing job, I can safely say I wish I’d have called you up – just for a break in the monotony! Haha. This really made me laugh – especially the broadband one! #Bestandworst
    Codie recently posted…(Bat) Wingin’ It This Halloween (Guest Post!)My Profile

    • mm
      RunJumpScrap
      October 22, 2015 / 8:48 pm

      Haha ah bless that would have been fun xx

  18. October 21, 2015 / 10:56 am

    I was seriously expecting something about the calls about ‘the road traffic accident you were involved in’. I get these every day. I’m presently a trainee solicitor working in personal injury. I’ve never, in my life, been involved in a road traffic accident. Maybe one day, when I have the time, I might string them along and see how they follow up on my ‘road traffic accident’ but at the minute? I don’t have time for that!

    These were brilliant. Last one especially… can imagine the police would have had a serious giggle had they been called out! #bestandworst
    Amy @ Mum’s The Law recently posted…BREASTFEEDING – WHY IT WASN’T FOR USMy Profile

    • mm
      RunJumpScrap
      October 22, 2015 / 8:47 pm

      I know those calls drive me nuts!! Glad you enjoyed x

  19. October 21, 2015 / 11:42 am

    Hahaha… loved these! Especially the last one.

    Thank you for hosting #bestandworst

    Nadia – ScandiMummy x
    Nadia – ScandiMummy recently posted…THE REMOTE CONTROL PHASEMy Profile

    • mm
      RunJumpScrap
      October 22, 2015 / 8:47 pm

      Thanks Nadia x

  20. October 21, 2015 / 12:18 pm

    This is outstanding! Loving your work! Especially the last one, which I would love to try only I don’t have the composure and would end up snorting down the phone like a silly 8 year old. Brilliant #bestandworst xx
    Rhyming with wine recently posted…So we visited this stately home…My Profile

    • mm
      RunJumpScrap
      October 22, 2015 / 9:06 pm

      hehe I’ll pass that on! I wouldn’t even dare do it πŸ™‚ x

  21. October 21, 2015 / 12:41 pm

    Ha ha ha! Your hubby has a great sense of humour. I shall have to try some of these. I hate cold callers although perhaps not as much as your husband does lol. Who knew there was so much fun to be had with them though πŸ˜‰
    Unhinged Mummy (aka Janine Woods) recently posted…Positivity In Pictures #20My Profile

    • mm
      RunJumpScrap
      October 22, 2015 / 9:00 pm

      He does which is a massive plus! Lots of fun to have πŸ™‚ x

  22. October 21, 2015 / 1:06 pm

    Great post! You should let hubby loose more often

    I also like to put my three year old on the phone.
    Dawn of the Dad recently posted…Potty MouthMy Profile

    • mm
      RunJumpScrap
      October 22, 2015 / 8:59 pm

      I think I need to! Aww that is a great plan x

  23. October 21, 2015 / 1:09 pm

    Absolutely brilliant! I am using the first one for sure and the last one if it’s a Friday night and He and I have had some wine.
    I’m a little pathetic though that I never answer a number that I don’t recognise. I live in hope that if I’ve won something they’ll leave a voicemail πŸ™‚
    #BestandWorst
    xx
    Jade Munro recently posted…From Bloody Marys to Hail MarysMy Profile

    • mm
      RunJumpScrap
      October 22, 2015 / 8:07 pm

      You need to try it esp after some wine! I’m the same…ignore the dodgy numbers xx

  24. October 21, 2015 / 1:16 pm

    Ha! Hilarious – I particularly like no2… must remember that. My husband tried something similar on a cold caller recently and they got really irate (oddly satisfying). #bestandworst
    Cathy (MummyTravels) recently posted…Explore the globe – with kidsMy Profile

    • mm
      RunJumpScrap
      October 22, 2015 / 8:59 pm

      It is great when they get irate (mean though) x

  25. October 21, 2015 / 1:20 pm

    Haha…Too funny and I actually learnt a few tricks from you. Thanks! #bestandwrost

    • mm
      RunJumpScrap
      October 22, 2015 / 8:06 pm

      Good to know! x

  26. October 21, 2015 / 2:01 pm

    I started letting the four year old answer the phone. I go stand in the bathroom and she tells them daddy’s pooping, then talks their ear off for as long as they stay on
    jeremy@thirstydaddy recently posted…The Excitement AwakensMy Profile

    • mm
      RunJumpScrap
      October 22, 2015 / 8:58 pm

      That is classice πŸ™‚ I’d be giggling like a nutter x

  27. October 21, 2015 / 2:06 pm

    That’s hilarious I really want to try out no 1. I get cold calls all the time, one man couldn’t believe I’d not been involved in a car accident in the last 3 years and exclaimed “you must be a good driver for a woman”! #bestandworst
    Lisa Backsnbumps recently posted…27 weeks pregnantMy Profile

    • mm
      RunJumpScrap
      October 22, 2015 / 8:57 pm

      OMG that is worse. Complete cheek :O x

    • mm
      RunJumpScrap
      October 22, 2015 / 8:57 pm

      Me too…I’d just hang up! x

  28. October 21, 2015 / 2:18 pm

    AHHHHH !! I used to work in a call centre and would die if these happened to me – id loose it! ALso I think to actually pull anything like this off, yeah I wouldn’t dare. I am too polite and british , but maybe I should start having a bit of fun with them -hmmmmmm #bestandworst
    PS Sarah you are brave for having your hubs write on here, but I can see what a jokerish pair you are so I bet you have a tonne of fun x
    Mary recently posted…6 Years MarriedMy Profile

    • mm
      RunJumpScrap
      October 22, 2015 / 8:57 pm

      Oops Mary…glad you weren’t on the end of a Chris call. Don’t think I would dare either! We do have a giggle..think we need more hubby guest posts x

  29. October 21, 2015 / 2:26 pm

    Love this πŸ™‚ We like to have a bit of a laugh at their expense here too. My go to is to simply keep asking for more and more info and leave them waffling on speaker for as long as I can. My current best is o2 with 1 hour and 25 minutes. #bestandworst

    • mm
      RunJumpScrap
      October 22, 2015 / 8:55 pm

      Wow that’s amazing!!! Kudos x

    • mm
      RunJumpScrap
      October 22, 2015 / 8:54 pm

      No worries thanks for linking! x

    • mm
      RunJumpScrap
      October 22, 2015 / 8:55 pm

      That’s a good strategy too though x

  30. October 21, 2015 / 5:21 pm

    Hilarious. Love it when people mess with cold callers, etc! Mark Thomas used to suggest dealing with those questionnaire people by carrying a piece of paper, bringing it out & asking them to just complete your questionnaire first. The broadband one was my favourite. I wouldn’t have dared do the fake murder, funny as it is, in case they did take me seriously! #bestandworst
    Silly Mummy recently posted…You’re a Good Winner: The Ten Funniest Things The Toddler Said Last WeekMy Profile

    • mm
      RunJumpScrap
      October 22, 2015 / 8:54 pm

      haha that’s a brill idea from Mark. I should try it! x

  31. October 21, 2015 / 8:12 pm

    This is the type of thing my hubby would do. SO So funny! I loved this post! Thanks for hosting Best and Worst

    Angela from daysinbed

    • mm
      RunJumpScrap
      October 22, 2015 / 8:05 pm

      Good to know I’m not the only one married to a nutter. Thanks for linking x

  32. October 21, 2015 / 9:56 pm

    I used to have such fun doing this. When I got a cold call I would put on a strangely robotic voice, but otherwise talk normally for a few minutes feigning interest. I would then drop into conversation that I was an alien and that call centre workers and aliens should join forces to take over the world. On one very memorable occasion, I was speaking to a call centre in India. The call handler didn’t know what to do so he put me on to his supervisor who put me on speaker phone. I could hear the entire office laughing as he attempted to go through the whole call just to hit the targets! At least I made their day. #TwinklyTuesday
    John Adams recently posted…A few thoughts about sexism in schoolsMy Profile

    • mm
      RunJumpScrap
      October 22, 2015 / 8:04 pm

      haha the robot voice sounds great! I had no clue so many people did this! OMG that alien thing needs to be put on YouTube or something. Genuis x

  33. October 22, 2015 / 11:08 am

    Ahh I read this again, he just cracks me up…apart from when the joke is on me haha! #bestandworst
    helen gandy recently posted…Throwback Thursday Linky #7My Profile

    • mm
      RunJumpScrap
      October 22, 2015 / 8:02 pm

      Yep then it isn’t so much fun!! x

  34. October 22, 2015 / 1:25 pm

    I love how committed you were to the last one! Just brilliant.
    Personally I have no time for cold-callers but if I do then I just tend to tell them I’m breastfeeding my newborn and they’re interrupting…always a sure-fire way to fluster them and get them off the phone, lol!
    #bestandworst
    Ellie @ Hand Me Down Baby recently posted…Thumb-sucking BabiesMy Profile

    • mm
      RunJumpScrap
      October 22, 2015 / 8:01 pm

      hehe that’s a strategy! x

    • mm
      RunJumpScrap
      October 22, 2015 / 7:55 pm

      I want him to! If he can be bothered…. lol x

    • mm
      RunJumpScrap
      October 22, 2015 / 9:05 pm

      haha do it Becky x

  35. October 22, 2015 / 9:47 pm

    This is bloody brillant. I normally come up with some stuff when these type of people call but never as good as this, ill have to grab some tips from you! #bestandworst
    Ashleigh Day recently posted…Throwback ThursdayMy Profile

  36. October 23, 2015 / 9:25 am

    Ha ha I love these. I told a door salesman I was in labour whilst about 37 weeks pregnant with my second. I put on some panting and everything and he asked if I wanted him to come in, make me a cup of tea and call someone?! Was he out of his mind?! As if I’d want a strange man in the house whilst in labour. I told him my husband was on the way home and went in and made my own cuppa! #bestandworst
    Becky (@attwtwo) recently posted…My Italian KitchenMy Profile

  37. October 23, 2015 / 4:19 pm

    Ha ha brilliant, and this is why you should let your husband take over your blog occasionally. I usually pretend that there is a bad or crossed line and see how long I can keep them on the phone for. #bestandworst

    • mm
      RunJumpScrap
      October 24, 2015 / 4:20 pm

      I think he will come back for another post!! x

  38. October 23, 2015 / 7:54 pm

    This is fab!! I always like to keep tem on the line and explain everything before I tell them I’m not interested. Although nowadays they are lucky if they catch me as I tend not to answer the phone to numbers I don’t recognise! Thanks for making me giggle and thanks for linking up with #TwinklyTuesday
    Lisa (mummascribbles) recently posted…Turning 33 and having an identity crisisMy Profile

    • mm
      RunJumpScrap
      October 24, 2015 / 4:19 pm

      That is the best strategy Lisa! And very fun. Thanks for hosting!! x

    • mm
      RunJumpScrap
      October 24, 2015 / 4:11 pm

      hehe that is the plan I think. Get them away from Chris x

  39. October 25, 2015 / 9:40 am

    Hahaha brilliant πŸ™‚ I just showed this to hubby, waiting and waiting for him to get to the last one… I was giggling away waiting for his reaction hehe. My dad once said he couldn’t get the computer to turn on and left the phone on the side for an hour, he went back afte his lunch and he man was still there! He then said no it was working and then after a couple of instructions said it crashed (he was no where near the computer), then he hung up. The man called back the next day and asked if it had restarted!
    #bestandworst
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