Do you know how to deal with cold callers? I hadn’t really a clue but my husband does and not in the nicest ways either. I let him loose on my blog to write about his top tips:
How to Deal with Cold Callers – The Chris Way
Do you get a lot of cold callers? I do. Not too many, but the ones I do get are annoying. Not because they are trying to sell you stuff you don’t want, but because they don’t really listen to you, or rarely polite, bearing in mind they called you, and generally reading from a script. This opinion has now become a baseline, so whenever I get a cold caller and I’m after a bit of instant entertainment, I decide to give said cold callers a bit of variety in their day by being a bit challenging.
Here are my best 5 ways to deal with cold callers:
5) Caller 1: Hello, I’m calling to tell you about your infected Windows machine
Me: Just before you start, I must let you know I used to teach undergraduate computer programming.
Damn it, I went in too hard then.
Caller 2: Hello, your Windows machine is infected by a virus…
Me: Oh goodness me, do tell me more kind fellow
Damn it, damn it damn it…. next time!
4) Double glazing salesman (in person, and evidently in training): Your windows look a little old and may be eligible for break in.
Me: Eligible? Really? Is is a competition and I win a free police call out?
Salesman: Errr well, I mean…
Me: Don’t worry, I know you, meant liable. Right, hit me with your best pitch.
Salesman: <He continues for about 5 mins>
I then proceed to give him a full critique of his sales pitch with hints and tips. It really didn’t go down well….
3) Frozen food saleswoman: Hi there! We’d like to…
Me (interrupting): Before you carry on, I must tell you something. I have a chicken farm, with lots of chickens. How big do you think my main cock is?
Frozen food sales: <Bursts into laughter> You just made my day! This is by far the best call I have had in a long time. Thank you! I’ll leave you to the rest of you evening!
2) Broadband salesman: Hello Sir, we guarantee that we can beat your current broadband price.
Me: I bet you that you can’t. An actual wager.
Broadband salesman: <Takes me through his spiel>….. With a final price of £5.99 a month.
Me: Well, I actually get my broadband for free, so technically you’ll have to pay me to keep to your guarantee.
Broadband salesman: OK <more spiel> with a final price of £3.56 month.
Me: Hmmm, I need to take you through some maths here. I told you my broadband is currently free, and you can improve this by making me pay. Your number is bigger than my number. Would you do this?
Broadband salesman: Yes
Me: No you wouldn’t, that’s just stupid. Why don’t you just send me some money now? That’s equally as sensible.
Broadband salesman: Erm, well how about getting the broadband for £3.56?
Me: I believe we had settled on you sending me money, now are you going to stick the deal to it or not?
He hung up.
1) Salesman: Hello sir, I’m from….
Me: Can you please hold on for a second, I have something rather urgent in my living room.
Salesman: Yes, certainly.
Me (to my housemate Woody): F***… what the f*** are we going to do, he’s f*****g dead.
Woody (quickly realising the game): I don’t know, I DON’T KNOW! I CAN’T THINK
Me: Well we are going to have to THINK OF SOMETHING, IT’S SUMMER!! It’ll start to smell!!!
Woody: I don’t know I don’t know I don’t know, arrrggghhh!
Me (to salesman): Erm, sorry can you just hold on for a second
Salesman: Are you ok?
Me: Errrr yes, everything is fine. Why are you asking that? I mean…oh wait, can you hold on for a second.
Me (to Woody): F************k What are we going to do? Carpet. We can roll him up in that.
Woody: But there’s f****** blood everywhere, it’s going to take ages to get out
Me: I don’t care, we HAVE to get rid it him. S**t. I mean if we get caught, that’s it we f*****d.
Me (to salesman, in posh voice): Oh hello, I’m having a few issue in my living room. Sorry if you can hear some background noise.
Salesman (sounding genuinely concerned): Is everything alright? Are you ok?
Me: Oh me? I’m fiiiiiiine <starting to laugh now> I’m totally fine…
I hung up here are we were both in stitches. The police never showed up, so either the salesman didn’t believe us, or he was a cold as a stone.
So remember, if you frequently get cold called, you can turn a minor annoyance into some fantastic entertainment!!!!
Love this. I’ve answered all of their questions with a question before and that really confuses them. #truthabout
That’s the best way!! x
That was hysterical!!! Loved it…not sure if I would be game enough to actually use any of those, especially the chicken farm one, for obvious reasons, but dammit I might possibly try, BECAUSE THEY CAN BE SO ANNOYING!! #TwinklyTuesday
Glad you enjoyed!! The chicken farm was is a corker! Thanks so much x
And now also on #bestandworst. Cheers
Haha these are amazing! i am definitely going to pretend to have killed someone next time :p I get about 4-5 calls a day. My brother pretends he’s the butler and refusing to give the phone to his “employers” :p my husband asks them to wait for a sec and then sees how long they will wait :p we got up to 3 minutes once
haha you need to blog about it then! I can’t get over how many calls you get! Great strategies though xx
I know they have to follow a spiel and they have to keep going, even when it seems ridiculous but why oh why do they continue to try and get a sale when you tell them you’re getting a better deal/it free?! I just imagine that job is so soul crushing that they forget how to make normal conversation. I also *love* number one “He’s f*****g dead!!!” Haha!! #TwinklyTuesday
I know!! It’s like they are a recording. Glad you enjoyed…my hubby is nuts x
That’s so funny, but I’ll stick with my strategy of getting them off the phone as quickly as possible! #twinklytuesday
You’re best just hanging up eh? x
I love this!! So funny! I just love the way that cold callers don’t like it when you start taking the pee out of them or don’t fall for all the crap they spill out. Love it. Fab post 🙂 It’s made me laugh! 🙂
Thanks Gemma…so glad you enjoyed x
Brilliant. My favourite is the last one. I’ve taken to handing the phone to my autistic three year old when we get cold callers and he proceeds to tell them about vacuum cleaners or spiders until they hang up.
My favourite cold calling experience before kids was a guy who phoned up to try and sell my broadband but when he found out who my current provider was said, ‘Oh, yeah we can’t beat them. Sorry.’ I was impressed by his honesty!
It’s a good one eh? That is a very good plan with your little one and keeps him entertained. It must have been nice to have an honest caller !! x
Haha love this I agree the best way of dealing with cold callers is simply to eff with their heads! #thetruthabout
That’s a very good point!!! ha 🙂 x
Haha this brightened up my Tuesday. Genius ways to get them off the phone! #twinklytuesday x
Brilliant we aim to please x
The Microsoft ones drive me mad!! We have a computer repair shop and still get calls there – if I’m feeling a bit bored then I do try and keep them on the phone as long as possible. And then after about half an hour just casually drop in “oh wait, I don’t actually have a computer”! #twinklytuesdays
haha that sounds like mu hubby! So funny x
Ha ha, love this! My hubs too takes great joy in winding up cold callers, usually with fake accents or insane questions. He also once told a salesman we didn’t need double glazing as we live in a tent. Good times.
haha the fake accents is good!! That’s so funny x
Oh these are just brilliant. So funny. Love that last one – not sure I could do it though! I like my mother-in-law’s trick – she tells them that she’s just the housekeeper or the mistress! That usually ends the call fairly quickly 🙂 #TwinklyTuesday
Haha me too Louise – not sure I have the balls! That’s a great trick your MIL has xx
Chris….I need some tips. I have been phoned at least 3 times a week for the last 3 months by a company based in Tunbridge Wells (although all of their employees are Liverpudlian!) who are ‘working with my insurers’. My favourite so far was when I asked them to remove my number (for about the tenth time!) the girl shouted at me ‘No I can’t because you haven’t listened to me so you don’t know how we can help you with your accident’. ‘I don’t want your help and I haven’t had an accident’ I said. ‘You don’t know we can’t help you because you haven’t answered my questions and you have had an accident’!!!! Seriously? I can’t get these buggers to go away! Perhaps I will try a dead body scenario next time 🙂 Driving me insane…….considering blowing a whistle next time they call….in the hope that they are wearing headsets. Is that cruel???
haha Jane! That would drive me insane. They are so tenacious. I think you should try one of Chris’s tricks xx
Brilliant! I am really unimaginative in comparison to this and generally go for “just to warn you, we’ve been having problems with the——-” before hanging up mid sentence. I guess it’s kind of a chicken’s way of hanging up on someone whilst blaming it on technology. 🙂 Thanks to you both for linking up to #thetruthabout this week 🙂
Haha that’s still a really quick and easy way to get rid though Sam!! Thanks for hosting as usual xx
This is hilarious! Loved it! #thetruthabout xx
Thanks Kirsty xx
This proper made me and Matt laugh I bet it’s even funnier to hear in person. X
It’s a gooodun! x
This is fantastic! I love playing games with cold callers. I am definitely going to try the body and one and the sales critique 🙂 #TwinklyTuesday
Haha let me know how you get on! x
Love this post so funny I always answer with silly answers it’s great fun thanks for hosting x
It sounds like the best way!! x
That’s very funny – maybe I should let Misery Guts lose on my blog! #bestandworst
I think you should!! x
HILARIOUS! I loved this a lot, Chris is a legend!
haha he will have a big head x
oh I just laughed so hard, I had to share this with my hubby (@photoglanville if you ever want to check him out) he loved this too, my hubby is a complete computer geek and also gets his broadband free through work so we loved this post #bestandworst
I just checked him out…cracking pics. Glad you both enjoyed 🙂 x
I lLOVE this post! My hubby loves answering cold callers like this!
Great minds eh? x
As someone who used to do this depressing job, I can safely say I wish I’d have called you up – just for a break in the monotony! Haha. This really made me laugh – especially the broadband one! #Bestandworst
Haha ah bless that would have been fun xx
I was seriously expecting something about the calls about ‘the road traffic accident you were involved in’. I get these every day. I’m presently a trainee solicitor working in personal injury. I’ve never, in my life, been involved in a road traffic accident. Maybe one day, when I have the time, I might string them along and see how they follow up on my ‘road traffic accident’ but at the minute? I don’t have time for that!
These were brilliant. Last one especially… can imagine the police would have had a serious giggle had they been called out! #bestandworst
I know those calls drive me nuts!! Glad you enjoyed x
Hahaha… loved these! Especially the last one.
Thank you for hosting #bestandworst
Nadia – ScandiMummy x
Thanks Nadia x
This is outstanding! Loving your work! Especially the last one, which I would love to try only I don’t have the composure and would end up snorting down the phone like a silly 8 year old. Brilliant #bestandworst xx
hehe I’ll pass that on! I wouldn’t even dare do it 🙂 x
Ha ha ha! Your hubby has a great sense of humour. I shall have to try some of these. I hate cold callers although perhaps not as much as your husband does lol. Who knew there was so much fun to be had with them though 😉
He does which is a massive plus! Lots of fun to have 🙂 x
Great post! You should let hubby loose more often
I also like to put my three year old on the phone.
I think I need to! Aww that is a great plan x
Absolutely brilliant! I am using the first one for sure and the last one if it’s a Friday night and He and I have had some wine.
I’m a little pathetic though that I never answer a number that I don’t recognise. I live in hope that if I’ve won something they’ll leave a voicemail 🙂
You need to try it esp after some wine! I’m the same…ignore the dodgy numbers xx
Ha! Hilarious – I particularly like no2… must remember that. My husband tried something similar on a cold caller recently and they got really irate (oddly satisfying). #bestandworst
It is great when they get irate (mean though) x
Haha…Too funny and I actually learnt a few tricks from you. Thanks! #bestandwrost
Good to know! x
I started letting the four year old answer the phone. I go stand in the bathroom and she tells them daddy’s pooping, then talks their ear off for as long as they stay on
That is classice 🙂 I’d be giggling like a nutter x
That’s hilarious I really want to try out no 1. I get cold calls all the time, one man couldn’t believe I’d not been involved in a car accident in the last 3 years and exclaimed “you must be a good driver for a woman”! #bestandworst
OMG that is worse. Complete cheek :O x
This is blimming hilarious!!I wish I was quick enough to think of this stuff lol x #bestandworst
Me too…I’d just hang up! x
AHHHHH !! I used to work in a call centre and would die if these happened to me – id loose it! ALso I think to actually pull anything like this off, yeah I wouldn’t dare. I am too polite and british , but maybe I should start having a bit of fun with them -hmmmmmm #bestandworst
PS Sarah you are brave for having your hubs write on here, but I can see what a jokerish pair you are so I bet you have a tonne of fun x
Oops Mary…glad you weren’t on the end of a Chris call. Don’t think I would dare either! We do have a giggle..think we need more hubby guest posts x
Love this 🙂 We like to have a bit of a laugh at their expense here too. My go to is to simply keep asking for more and more info and leave them waffling on speaker for as long as I can. My current best is o2 with 1 hour and 25 minutes. #bestandworst
Wow that’s amazing!!! Kudos x
Back again 🙂 Thanks for hosting #bestandworst
No worries thanks for linking! x
Total Kudos to the food saleswoman, she was cool. I have a simple way of dealing with cold callers, I never answer the phone, but if I did, your tips are excellent. #Bestandworst
That’s a good strategy too though x
Hilarious. Love it when people mess with cold callers, etc! Mark Thomas used to suggest dealing with those questionnaire people by carrying a piece of paper, bringing it out & asking them to just complete your questionnaire first. The broadband one was my favourite. I wouldn’t have dared do the fake murder, funny as it is, in case they did take me seriously! #bestandworst
haha that’s a brill idea from Mark. I should try it! x
This is the type of thing my hubby would do. SO So funny! I loved this post! Thanks for hosting Best and Worst
Angela from daysinbed
Good to know I’m not the only one married to a nutter. Thanks for linking x
I used to have such fun doing this. When I got a cold call I would put on a strangely robotic voice, but otherwise talk normally for a few minutes feigning interest. I would then drop into conversation that I was an alien and that call centre workers and aliens should join forces to take over the world. On one very memorable occasion, I was speaking to a call centre in India. The call handler didn’t know what to do so he put me on to his supervisor who put me on speaker phone. I could hear the entire office laughing as he attempted to go through the whole call just to hit the targets! At least I made their day. #TwinklyTuesday
haha the robot voice sounds great! I had no clue so many people did this! OMG that alien thing needs to be put on YouTube or something. Genuis x
Ahh I read this again, he just cracks me up…apart from when the joke is on me haha! #bestandworst
Yep then it isn’t so much fun!! x
I love how committed you were to the last one! Just brilliant.
Personally I have no time for cold-callers but if I do then I just tend to tell them I’m breastfeeding my newborn and they’re interrupting…always a sure-fire way to fluster them and get them off the phone, lol!
hehe that’s a strategy! x
This is hilarious! Maybe you can do a slot once a month from Chris on a “How to……..”
I want him to! If he can be bothered…. lol x
Brilliant! I am totally trying some of these next time I get the dreaded PPI call! Becky x #bestandworst
haha do it Becky x
This is bloody brillant. I normally come up with some stuff when these type of people call but never as good as this, ill have to grab some tips from you! #bestandworst
Ha ha I love these. I told a door salesman I was in labour whilst about 37 weeks pregnant with my second. I put on some panting and everything and he asked if I wanted him to come in, make me a cup of tea and call someone?! Was he out of his mind?! As if I’d want a strange man in the house whilst in labour. I told him my husband was on the way home and went in and made my own cuppa! #bestandworst
Ha ha brilliant, and this is why you should let your husband take over your blog occasionally. I usually pretend that there is a bad or crossed line and see how long I can keep them on the phone for. #bestandworst
I think he will come back for another post!! x
This is fab!! I always like to keep tem on the line and explain everything before I tell them I’m not interested. Although nowadays they are lucky if they catch me as I tend not to answer the phone to numbers I don’t recognise! Thanks for making me giggle and thanks for linking up with #TwinklyTuesday
That is the best strategy Lisa! And very fun. Thanks for hosting!! x
Haha, brill! I’d add wait a year then hand the phone over to the Gremlin- she’ll keep them busy for you x
hehe that is the plan I think. Get them away from Chris x
Hahaha brilliant 🙂 I just showed this to hubby, waiting and waiting for him to get to the last one… I was giggling away waiting for his reaction hehe. My dad once said he couldn’t get the computer to turn on and left the phone on the side for an hour, he went back afte his lunch and he man was still there! He then said no it was working and then after a couple of instructions said it crashed (he was no where near the computer), then he hung up. The man called back the next day and asked if it had restarted!
Hahahaha I love this post. So funny. I had a car accident 7 years ago now and it was all settled by our insurance companies. I still get daily calls from dodgy insurers telling me I can claim more. They always start off with the same sales line. I block them and they just ring back on a different extension. Perhaps I’ll have some fun with them x