How to Deal with Cold Callers – The Chris Way
Do you get a lot of cold callers? I do. Not too many, but the ones I do get are annoying. Not because they are trying to sell you stuff you don’t want, but because they don’t really listen to you, or rarely polite, bearing in mind they called you, and generally reading from a script. This opinion has now become a baseline, so whenever I get a cold caller and I’m after a bit of instant entertainment, I decide to give said cold callers a bit of variety in their day by being a bit challenging.
Here are my best 5 ways to deal with cold callers:
5) Caller 1: Hello, I’m calling to tell you about your infected Windows machine
Me: Just before you start, I must let you know I used to teach undergraduate computer programming.
Damn it, I went in too hard then.
Caller 2: Hello, your Windows machine is infected by a virus…
Me: Oh goodness me, do tell me more kind fellow
Damn it, damn it damn it…. next time!
4) Double glazing salesman (in person, and evidently in training): Your windows look a little old and may be eligible for break in.
Me: Eligible? Really? Is is a competition and I win a free police call out?
Salesman: Errr well, I mean…
Me: Don’t worry, I know you, meant liable. Right, hit me with your best pitch.
Salesman: <He continues for about 5 mins>
I then proceed to give him a full critique of his sales pitch with hints and tips. It really didn’t go down well….
3) Frozen food saleswoman: Hi there! We’d like to…
Me (interrupting): Before you carry on, I must tell you something. I have a chicken farm, with lots of chickens. How big do you think my main cock is?
Frozen food sales: <Bursts into laughter> You just made my day! This is by far the best call I have had in a long time. Thank you! I’ll leave you to the rest of you evening!
2) Broadband salesman: Hello Sir, we guarantee that we can beat your current broadband price.
Me: I bet you that you can’t. An actual wager.
Broadband salesman: <Takes me through his spiel>….. With a final price of £5.99 a month.
Me: Well, I actually get my broadband for free, so technically you’ll have to pay me to keep to your guarantee.
Broadband salesman: OK <more spiel> with a final price of £3.56 month.
Me: Hmmm, I need to take you through some maths here. I told you my broadband is currently free, and you can improve this by making me pay. Your number is bigger than my number. Would you do this?
Broadband salesman: Yes
Me: No you wouldn’t, that’s just stupid. Why don’t you just send me some money now? That’s equally as sensible.
Broadband salesman: Erm, well how about getting the broadband for £3.56?
Me: I believe we had settled on you sending me money, now are you going to stick the deal to it or not?
He hung up.
1) Salesman: Hello sir, I’m from….
Me: Can you please hold on for a second, I have something rather urgent in my living room.
Salesman: Yes, certainly.
Me (to my housemate Woody): F***… what the f*** are we going to do, he’s f*****g dead.
Woody (quickly realising the game): I don’t know, I DON’T KNOW! I CAN’T THINK
Me: Well we are going to have to THINK OF SOMETHING, IT’S SUMMER!! It’ll start to smell!!!
Woody: I don’t know I don’t know I don’t know, arrrggghhh!
Me (to salesman): Erm, sorry can you just hold on for a second
Salesman: Are you ok?
Me: Errrr yes, everything is fine. Why are you asking that? I mean…oh wait, can you hold on for a second.
Me (to Woody): F************k What are we going to do? Carpet. We can roll him up in that.
Woody: But there’s f****** blood everywhere, it’s going to take ages to get out
Me: I don’t care, we HAVE to get rid it him. S**t. I mean if we get caught, that’s it we f*****d.
Me (to salesman, in posh voice): Oh hello, I’m having a few issue in my living room. Sorry if you can hear some background noise.
Salesman (sounding genuinely concerned): Is everything alright? Are you ok?
Me: Oh me? I’m fiiiiiiine <starting to laugh now> I’m totally fine…
I hung up here are we were both in stitches. The police never showed up, so either the salesman didn’t believe us, or he was a cold as a stone.
So remember, if you frequently get cold called, you can turn a minor annoyance into some fantastic entertainment!!!!