I used to think I was quite a confident person before having my daughter. I’d get in my car and drive anywhere, in the dark, in the rain and the snow (which was not always clever). I’d go anywhere, get up and speak in public without batting an eyelid; in fact I thrived on it and loved it. But I just feel I have lost that confidence and I think losing confidence after a baby is common.
I did have quite a long maternity leave; 14 months and I think during that time you are in a total bubble. It is you and your baby, your family, your Mummy friends, the television and copious amounts of tea and cakes. Going back into the “real world” can be quite a shock to the system.
Losing my Confidence
I question myself constantly now. Things I would have jumped at take a lot of deliberation and I have to talk myself into a lot of things. Don’t get my wrong, I do them but it takes a lot more effort. Thing is, I KNOW I’m capable. I know I can do these things but once a little seed of self doubt is planted, it is hard to weed it out.
I think people tend to think I am confident as well. I talk a lot and I do find meeting new people a breeze but sometimes I’m a little squiffy underneath.
Here is some examples where I have totally lost my confidence:
– Driving in the dark…on the motorway…in the rain. I had to make a trip out one evening last week. Not far at all but it was pouring, dark and I had to use the motorway to get there. I ummed and errred about this more than where I was actually going!! In the past this would never have bothered me. I had a very scary experience driving in the snow and dark once. Now I wouldn’t dream of driving in the snow on a motorway.
– Public speaking. I’m always nervous. Aren’t we all? But the nerves are much worse and I need to plan and prep and talk to myself a lot more now. I haven’t done as much public speaking since coming back to work as previously but have done some. I just want to get back to how I felt before and I’m sure I will in time.
– Pushing myself to do new things. Opportunities come and go and it is so easy to think I’ll just stay the same and hide under the duvet! I can’t and I know I need to push myself. This all seemed easier pre-baby. I guess change is scary when your routine is so set.
– Flying. I love getting away with work or on my own but I’m always a bit more scared going on my own now. It’s that irrational fear.
I hate the fact I’m not as confident as I was before. I know it takes work and pushing myself out of my comfort zone. Self-doubt is a slippery slope and I don’t want to find myself half way down it so I’ll keep cracking on. I find talking my worries through with people is a massive help. Also just talking to myself! Someone needs to help me build that confidence back.
How about you? Did you change in a similar way after children? Losing confidence is common but you can change it with work.
Motherhood’s a funny old thing isn’t it? Even though it knocks your confidence, in some ways it actually makes you stronger than ever before. We just don’t feel it. I think we doubt ourselves because everything matters more now. But we need to find a way to reclaim the confidence. Get yourself in front of that mirror love: “I am momma, hear me roar!’ xx #twinklytuesday
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That’s very true! Thanks so much lovey x
I would never have guessed it hon as you really do always come across as so confident… but motherhood definitely changes you. Funny isn’t it? I am nowhere near as confident or brave anymore. I travelled the world alone for goodness sake and yet post baby even a trip to the shops alone felt scary. Like you I have had to push myself and make myself do things that once would have been a breeze. I can easily talk myself out of things though so it can be a real effort sometimes to really put myself out there instead of hiding under the duvet! xx
Author
I know I do….a lot of people say it. I just hide underneath it all. It is funny. You do really have to push yourself!! Thanks lots x
I understand how you feel. I was never really confident but since having my son (he’s 2) I am worse than ever. Driving anywhere new I think I will get us lost forever and trying to find a jo b is so hard, I just think no will want me because I haven’t worked in so long. I think, like you said, it’s important to push ourselves and not give in to it, although a day or 2 hiding under a duvet does sound nice xx #TwinklyTuesday
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It’s not a nice feeling is it? You can do it and that’s what you have to keep telling yourself xx
Yep, motherhood is amazing but it does have a funny old way of knocking your confidence. I love my little boy but 2 years on, I’ve only just started regaining some of mine (though I only now have time!). #twinklytuesday
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That’s good to hear Kaye x
Oh Sarah – completely hear you! I have been out over 4 years now (since child #1) from official work and whilst it is a complete privilege, I am torn between desperate and terrified to return. And there is so much more to worry about now; after all, people DEPEND on us. Eeeekkk. Let me know when you strike the balance ( and keep me posted). BUT; it does certainly make every day count so very much. #TwinklyTuesday
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Thanks Anna! Aww I bet you can do it. It is a scary world after kids though and so annoying! Keep making each day count x
YES!!! I second guess myself a lot and look to other mothers of how they respond in situations! I hate it really because I just want to be happy in myself and I often think how can i teach my kids confidence if Im not confident myself!? You are amazing and fun loving and your daughter will see this!
I hope with practice our new lives with little people will help us believe in ourselves againx
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Thanks Mary! You are so sweet and so back at you! x
To be honest I’ve never been the most confident person – for example speaking in public would always have freaked me out and that certainly hasn’t changed! I honestly don’t think I’ve become less confident since having kids but maybe it has been counterbalanced by being a little bit older – I’m less concerned about people liking me than I used to be which always gives you greater freedom to just do your thing! I’m sure yours will come back once the Gremlin is past toddlerdom (by which time you’ll probably have another 😉 ) Thanks for linking today Sarah and hope you had a great birthday Xx #thetruthabout
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That’s good to know Sam! I think I need to give less of a crap about being liked. Thanks so much and I did have a good birthday x
Funny enough I was just thinking this morning that my confidence hasn’t taken as much of a knock this time round as it did before. I am on my third bout of maternity leave. With my first son I was off work for 10 months and before going back I felt useless in terms of what I was capable of at work. Unfounded but still unsettling. After Number Two (I was off for 14 months too) I felt the same but knew that I had conquered it the first time and so I could again. This time I’ll be off for over 2 years by the time I go back to work but I think blogging so much and keeping my mind more active has helped this time.
I too hate to fly on my own. I always worry about the kids in case the place crashes. Before I had them I didn’t bat an eyelid at flying anywhere alone.
Author
That’s great! I’m hoping to be better as time goes on. I think it sounds like the blogging has really helped you. I’m exactly the same with flying!! x
I’ve never been that confident but I have tried to build it up since having the boys. I am a lot better than before having the boys, they have given me confidence strangely #twinklytuesday xx
Author
That’s great hun 🙂 x
I found that the confidence did come back on the professional front – the longer I was back at work the less the doubts would grip me. But the irrational fears connected with my children have never gone away! #TwinklyTuesday
Author
That’s good to know. I reckon the irrational fears never go x
I can relate to this so much. I use to be a confident person but since having Amelia I get too nervous. Even with some family, especially in crowds. I never use to be like this. It’s actually nice to know that I am not the only mum that feels like this. Maybe I will gradually get confident again. It’s great when you have family and friends around as this can help!
Author
I think we all will when these little ones get bigger x
YES! When I first went back to work I had zero confidence (a bully case didn’t help), but I felt liked I’d lost all of me! Thankfully I found a new job and I am now back to my old self, however flying – something that never phased me before is now a little worry, i think its more because I now have O, and I worry for him.
Author
Oh bullying is awful though. You do feel a bit lost…I know I did. Glad you are back! I’m the same with flying x
I think it definitely knocks your confidence to an extent.
Like you say I think we get in our little bubble and that becomes our comfort zone.
I’m sure you will reclaim your confidence and go kick ass 🙂 x #TwinklyTuesday
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Thanks Jayne x
I am completely with you here! I used to have a 2 hour round trip to work, on the motorway, and be in and out of the car all day. Now, I get anxious and sweaty just thinking about getting in it… And I used to be involved in so many activities after work. When I was on mat leave, I said I wanted to learn a new language, learn to sew, creative writing… I used tiredness as an excuse for a long time, but don’t have that so much now…! I do wonder what’s happened to me! I’m glad it’s not just me!
#twinklytuesday
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Aww it’s so strange how things change! I think tiredness has a lot to answer for x
What to say? I know my wife is a much less confident motorist but I think this is because she relies on me to drive so often now (although she has no problem with motorways). Oddly since having kids I’ve done more public speaking but that’s all related to my blogging activities. I’ll confess I’m a more nervous flyer now that I have kids. This, however, may partly be because I have a dreadful habit of watching Air Crash Investigations while doing the ironing. #truthabout
Author
I’m a bit lazy with the driving too John…perhaps I should kick that habit. You really need to stop with the Air Crash Investigations!! haha x
It’s funny what being a parent does to you. It’s made me more confident than I was before, but also made me more wary of certain situations. #bestandworst
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Ah interesting 🙂 x
It’s a difficult thing living in. A bubble and yes I’m sure your confidence. Takes a hit. Great post. Thanks for hosting. Best and worst
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Totally! Thanks for linking x
I think we are all just swans gliding along on the surface disguising the dark waters beneath. I struggle with confidence in many situations (I avoid asking for things in shops if I can possibly get away without talking to people!) and yet I do a job where projecting confidence is everything (I am a teacher). Know that you are not alone in thinking these things. X. #bestandworst
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Great analogy! Thanks for the support x
Oh i hear you. Thou iv’e gained confidence in some things, iv’e lost the confidence I had in others. Things like going out to restaurants and shops is an almost impossible task with twins, so lately I find myself dreading it and making up excuses to stay at home. My self confidence in how I feel about my body and looks have also taken a major knock since their birth. Still working on that.
Author
Aww bless…having twins is massive! Definitely be less hard on yourself and I’m sure it will return x
I’m definitely more nervous since having my little ones. I think you hit the nail on the head in that it is partly down to that wonderful time on maternity leave when you are all protected from reality, but also I think we just become more aware of danger and our own sense of mortality once these tiny precious people make their appearance. It must be hormonal? I do have to give myself a stern talking to every now and again though. #bestandworst xx
Author
We have such a good time eh? I think the mortality thing is massive and so scary. I have to do the chats a lot x
I hate driving the dark these days too, especially with the kids. I guess we’re just not used to going out after dark anymore! #bestandworst
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No you stop doing it as home all the time!! x
I really think I’m going to feel like this after maternity leave. I think part of the worry is that there’s now a little person involved, so you don’t want anything bad to happen to you as it affects them?? Hope you get your confidence back soon. Thanks for hosting #bestandworst 🙂
Author
You may not hun don’t worry! Those little people have a lot to answer for. I’m getting there for sure x
I definitely had moments of this – I remember going to my first baby weighing alone and felt terrified about driving, about getting lost, about not knowing what to do. It was about 10 mins away! I think you’re right that you have to just keep doing it and eventually the doubt starts to go because you’ve proved you can do it. #bestandworst
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aww I know that feeling! Thanks Cathy think you are right x
Awww motherhood changes you in so many ways doesn’t it?! I think it is totally down to the fact that we have little humans to look after and in no way do we want to leave them. We don’t want to do things that scare us or that could potientially put us in danger, we want to be around our children forever.
#bestandworst
Gemma xx
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That has hit the nail on the head x
I can definitely relate to this – funnily enough I feel confident in certain areas (like my body, weight, appearance) but a lot less in others like driving (I took my licence in Denmark, so I’ve never been confident driving on the left hand side), money/work and making sure I can take care of my family. Great read, I hope you find your confidence soon #bestandworst
Nadia – ScandiMummy x
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That’s good to know! It must be odd driving on a different side of the road lol!! Thanks x
i’ve had a few things take my confidence and it was not great! I’m rebuilding it now though and the blogging is really helping! A great honest post!
Angela
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Thanks Angela and glad you are getting there x
I felt the same way when I had a long break from work to stay home with my kids. I even lost confidence in having a normal adult conversation not about kids. I think I became very nervous when I had my first baby and realised that I was totally responsible for this little human being and I had to protect him. But I started helping out at school, playground etc and slowly regained my confidence again. #bestandworst
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I’m glad you are getting there again 🙂 x
I lost all my confidence after having baby #2. After baby #3 I decided to get fit and joined a choir. Now I’m much more confident again and my worries/anxieties over little things have seemed to vanish too! #bestandworst
Author
That’s fab to hear lovely x
Confidence is a slippery thing isn’t it? Doesn’t take a lot to knock it. I went back to work after six months with my younger two and after an initial wobble each time I was fine. I’ve now been off work for three and a half years, the thought of going back to it terrifies me! And, I’ve never particularly liked driving! #truthabout
Author
I bet that’s such a long time. Bless. I like driving but just the rain and dark eek! x
Goodness, seems like we’re all in the same boat with this one!
I definitely found that when I returned to work after Little Miss A I was more cautious and questioned myself more than I had before I went on maternity leave. It just takes time to get back into the swing of things, I think though. You have to keep going, keep putting yourself out there, and eventually it comes back.
Although, motherhood puts things in perspective as well. Some work-place “problems” I now look at and just think “This is such a NON-issue, let’s just get over it and move on already!”
#bestandworst
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It reall does! Lots of comments. It is coming back for me which is good and you are right some stuff is just so pathetic! Can’t be bothered to stress x
I felt the same when my boys were born. I think the anxiety comes as a result of the extra responsibility of being a mum. If something happens to me, what would happen to them.
#Bestandworst
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Totally Tracey…it is so scary x
I struggled a lot with lack of confidence after having my daughter. I think mine was mostly centred around some things that happened in my family when I was younger so i feel a massive pressure to be the best mum i can be. I am still working through it but it’s definitely getting easier as time goes by. Glad to hear that talking through things is helping you too and hopefully blogging helps get some of it out too! I hope you get back to your old self soon 🙂 xxxxx #bestandworst
Author
Aww yes I can imagine that. The pressure must have been hard. Glad all getting better. I am almost there now x
I completely understand! I wonder if it has to do with just being tired and lacking the energy to have confidence? Also as a mom you have a million new little things to worry about with the kids that you never had to process before…did they eat? are they clean? why are they crying? does that snot mean she’s sick? a penny on the floor is a choking hazard, car doors can take off little fingers…sheesh!! Again, too exhausted after all that to have the energy for traffic or public speaking or venturing into new things. 😉 (but flying stresses me out now too even though we fly a lot…I don’t want to leave them orphans!) Isn’t crazy mom life fun? 🙂
Author
It may be you know. I always feel less nervous when I’m rested. There is so much to worry about! I have to fly in 2 weeks eek x
Yes to all these things Sarah! I found more than anything my confidence at work took an enormous knock after being out if the loop for a whole year, and coming back a different person with different priorities. X Sarah #bestandworst
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Again hit the nail on the head – priorities really change x
Aaah I TOTALLY get this!!! Totally!! As I work from home, I rarely have to push myself out of my comfort zone but when I *do* it it feels SO scary and unnatural. When I went to my first blogging conference this year — Blogcamp in April — I was TERRIFIED!!! So scared and almost bottled it and didn’t go. SO glad I swallowed my nerves though!! Aah bless you pet — I totally understand how you feel xx Thanks so much for linking up to #TwinklyTuesday xx
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Thanks Caro! It’s good so many people do and you seem soooo confident x
In some ways becoming a mum has made me more confident, I will say things now that I would have used to ignore because everything matters more now it isn’t just me but other things I can ge more wary about, for the same reason. It isn’t just me and my partner now so I’m not as daring because I don’t want anything to happen that would leave Lucas without me. Hope that makes sense x #bestandworse
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That’s great hun! But yes I can see why you are also a bit more wary of other things x
Just stopping by again from #bestandworst, thanks for hosting!
x
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Thanks for linking x
I feel exactly the same way! Just the other day I realised I was driving extra slow like an old person as it was raining and dark. I guess having a little person makes you reassess everything, and especially making sure you are safe as you are needed so much more now. You’ve still got it, don’t worry! Becky x #bestandworst
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Aww yep sounds like me! You so change and you have to be so safe x
I feel less confident about meeting new people which is just so weird! Motherhood definitely changes things though, bizarrely so! #bestandworst xx
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That is odd as you seem so confident too. Always under the surface x
Loved reading this post. It’s so true and honest and I think it will be for a lot of mums. You are totally right – during those first few months with your baby, it’s just you and your family. You get used to that being ‘normal’ and everything else you knew pre-baby is scary and new almost. I think it’s ironic, it’s like your baby – coming out of the womb and into the world. It takes a while to adjust. But I think it’s a good thing you no longer do those risky car drives, especially now you have a little one. Thanks for a great post 🙂 #bestandworst
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Thanks lots. That bubble is lovely but you are right you then have to adjust and get back to normal afterwards! I’m hoping second time around will be easier xx
Just saw this post again on #bestandworst Commented earlier…all soo sooo true!!! x
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Thanks for linking hun x
It’s strange how becoming a mum changes you isn’t it? I agree, I hadn’t really twigged until reading your post, about driving differently and not going out in certain weathers, I’m from Scotland and drive in any weather really… but not anymore. I’m not going back to work for now and so I think I’ll protected that bit longer… I do agree I definitely think what if more, then have to stop myself. I also dread having to travel with H on my own… and when hubby is away I do have to not think about it too much, I’m just glad he has bluetooth in his car so he does keep in contact with where he is on the way home. I don’t think you’re alone, and us being safer and not driving on snowy dark roads is probably a good thing x #bestandworst
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I’m a right wimp in the car now!! That bluetooth is a godsend isn’t it? Thanks for the nice comment x
Well, I’ve never been very confident so not much to change! I was a very confident driver but now hate to do it though. #bestandworst
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Ah sorry to hear that! Hopefully blogging will boost that confidence x
Really interesting post! I agree that there are risks that I used to take pre-kids, things like driving in winter weather, that I won’t do any more because the prospect of having to cope if I was injured (or worse) is just too daunting. There’s other stuff like going to new films or events that I used to love but now am always so tired and babysitting is so expensive that it hardly seems worth it, so I don’t get out much.
But having said all that, being a mum has made more able to say “no”, something that I lacked the confidence to do before. Of course, I say know because I’m too darn tired to care what people think, so maybe it’s just exhaustion and not confidence at all!!
Your post raises a lot of interesting questions — thanks so much for sharing! #bestandworst
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haha sounds like you are quite tired lovely! You are right though it can be scary but ultimately you do what is right for you x
I think this is totally normal to be honest I’ve heard this from so many mum’s. Once kids come along everything changes, but we still think we can do it all (that’s what the world has told us anyway) we question ourselves more, we feel the responsibility, we’re tired, we’re exhausted, we can’t think straight, our nerves are shot. Our needs come second but that doesn’t mean we shouldn’t take care of ourselves or take time out. The things that have helped me are TED talks, self care (gym/facials) and writing my blog! I’m right with you, been there and worked a way through it, you will be confident again I promise, its a journey #bestandworst Lizzie xo
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Thanks so much for this comment! So positive x
As a mother I am gribbled in self doubt and trying to find that balance. So hard with the pressure. But gets easier I think as they Cecile more.independent and not rely on me so much i feel less guilty and in turn chill out more as I don’t dealt my decision as much. Great post #bestandworst
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That’s good to know and thanks x
This is so true! I worry so much more about things now than I did before the Tubblet was born. But in other ways, I’m more confident because I’ve seen I can cope with so much more than I did before.
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That’s a good point Mrs Tubbs thanks lots x