I turn 34 today. Another year older!
Sometimes I think time flies and other times I think, nah, time is time and it just passes. I do think it is slightly bonkers that it’s 4 years since I celebrated my 30th birthday over in the States and headed into New York with the hubby.
A lot has changed in those 4 years: Little Piglet has appeared and I’m currently pregnant with Baby Number 3 – a little boy. I’m not sure I ever imagined that would be happening really! I struggle to comprehend I’m a Mum of 2 girls, let alone having another one come along. Life is so hectic.
34 does seem older! I still remember my Mum turning 30 when I was 7 years old and thinking “wow that seems old”, as you do when you are 7! Of course she wasn’t and it’s crazy to think she had been a Mum for pushing 8 years when I had only been Mum for almost 18 months at that point. Times do change!
I often used to think I wouldn’t like the feeling of getting older. Your body does change; more lines on your face, the start of slightly skin above your knees and general pain above your knees (if you are me). But it does come with more confidence in yourself and in general. I know my style and what I like. I’m pretty comfortable in my own skin. I’ve accepted I’ll never go brown in the sun, I need a boob job after I stop breastfeeding (unlikely) and I will never master “the flick” with eyeliner. These are the quirks of me.
It is also a lot easier to say no to things. Sometimes I swear, I used to just go along with meetings, going out and events just to please others. Now I think a bit and if I don’t want to do something, I’m not. By Christmas, I’ll be around 30 weeks pregnant. When asked if I wanted to go to the work Christmas do, I thought, no I don’t. I can’t have a drink, I’ll be waddling around (it’s crazy golf) and I may feel I “ought” to be there to be sociable but I won’t really want to be. So I said no!! That felt good. Rather than make excuses, it’s easier to say I don’t fancy that film or I’d rather stay in with the hubby.
I’ve missed having a drink whilst I’ve been pregnant, as I love a glass of wine on a Saturday night but I’m way past wanting to get hammered and have crazy nights now. I hate hangovers. I hate how I feel the next day; wasting the day away and resenting the girls, as I feel so bad. I feel I can say no and no it’s not boring, I just don’t want to do it. Maybe that’s getting older, maybe it’s having kids or maybe I just want to feel good!
There are always going to be some insecurities there. Do I look ok? Can I still wear clothes from this shop and in this style? Can I get my ear pierced again when on maternity leave? (Yes, that is on the cards!) and whenever I meet new people, do they really like me? I definitely like one to one in friends and have never been a person who hangs around in big groups and I don’t think I ever will be. And I’m ok with that. I prefer the more one on one or small group chats and I find it easier to keep up with!
I’ve definitely calmed down and am so much more patient with the girls and in general, in comparison to what I used to be. The fights I used to have with my ex were legendary, camera worthy and I would fly off the handle so much as a teen and in my early twenties. My Mum told me I would mellow as I got older and she was right. She was talking from experience. Don’t get me wrong; on the occasion me and hubby have some blinding rows (and I think they are often needed) but it takes a lot more for me to lose my temper now.
I think you start to focus on the happy as you get older, yourself and your family. You don’t stew and sweat over the small stuff anymore (well I can’t be arsed really). I’m always going to niggle about some things but I try not to worry for as long. It’s just not worth it!!
You do get less and more selfish in different ways. My kids come first now all the time but my family, the almost 5 of us; our little unit’s happiness will always come over others. Even writing that down sounds weird and even wrong but it’s true. They are my life.
I’m sure you can relate to my older ramblings!
Happy 34 years to me! Here’s to some more good ones to come.